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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny post it notes and other funny jokes |
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Bumper Stickers - 5
Learn from your parent’s mistakes use birth control
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Stand Up Joke
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, 'I'd give anything to sink this next putt. 'A stranger walks up to him and whispers, 'Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?'The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, 'Okay, ' and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, 'Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole. 'The same stranger moves to his side and says, 'Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?'The golfer shrugs and says, 'Sure. ' He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, 'Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?'The golfer says, 'Certainly!' He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, 'You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life. ''Nice to meet you, ' says the golfer. 'My name's. . . Father O'Malley!'
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Funny Famous Joke
Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine 'Sex'. Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, 'I was looking for Sex. 'My court case comes up next Thursday. One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said 'I would like to have one too!' When I said 'But this is a dog, ' he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, 'You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old. 'He replied, 'You must have been a strong boy. 'When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, 'But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex. 'He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church. My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night', and the clerk said, 'Me too. 'One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, 'Show off!' I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets. When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, 'Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married' and the Judge said, 'Me too. 'When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, 'Me too. 'Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, 'What seems to be the trouble?'I replied, 'Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely. 'The doctor said, 'Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?'
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Fishing Joke
What do you call a fish with no eyes ? Fish !
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Love and Marriage Joke
Before a friend's wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to several girls and one guy. Before some toasts were made, the best man said to the guests, 'Now that Jim is married and is no longer available, it is probably a good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to please turn it in now. ' Then the pre-selected girls (about thirty of them) slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom-eyes at him and flirted a bit; some of the girls would turn in not just one key, but six or seven of them. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom on the cheek. It's probably not original, but it worked pretty well.
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Dumb Joke
You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour. In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce. It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades. You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays. The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited. (Repealed) It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway. No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind. It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display. You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands. You may not educate dogs. It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday. It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire. Silly string is banned. It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.
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Accountant Joke
A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, 'What is two and two?' The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was 'Twenty-two. ' The second was a social worker. She said, 'I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question. ' The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3. 999 and 4. 001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, 'How much is two and two?' The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, 'How much do you want it to be?' He got the job.
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Old People Joke
OLD RADIOS never die, they just stop receivingOLD RAILROADERS never die, they just derailOLD RAIN PUDDLES never die, they just dry upOLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little 'DINGHY'OLD SAILORS never die, they just lose their porpoiseOLD SALESMEN never die, they just go out of commissionOLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principalsOLD SCOTS never die, but they can be kiltOLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marblesOLD SEAMSTRESSES never die, they just come to the point OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their visionOLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste awayOLD SHEETROCKERS (dry wallers) never die, they just hang aroundOLD SHOES MAKERS never die, they just lose their soleOLD SKIERS never die, but they go downhill fast
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
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