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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny pictures of puppies and other funny jokes |
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Family Comedy Joke
After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, 'Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?''Not even once!' exclaimed Ole. 'Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?''Well, er, yes --- but only three times, ' she admitted somewhat embarrassed. 'Hmmm, three times?' questioned Ole. 'That's not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?''Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council?' asked Lena. 'That was the first time. ''And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the building inspector?' she asked. 'That was the second time. ''OK, Lena, when was the third time?' queried Ole?'The third time was ' Lena paused. 'Do you remember when you were running for president of the Sons of Norway and you needed 125 votes?'
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Joke for Halloween
A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage. 'This is Chet, ' he said, 'and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs. ' Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate. 'He needs warming up, ' he said. 'Lend me your cigarette lighter. 'The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful. 'That's fantastic, ' said the customer. 'And listen to this, ' said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing. Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem. 'Wrap him up, ' said the customer, 'I'll take him!'When he got home he greeted his wife: 'Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic. 'He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife. 'Now, watch and listen. 'He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World. 'Let me try it, ' said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:'Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!'
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Computer Joke
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, 'Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?'
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Drunks Joke
'Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again. ' the wife told her husband. 'How can you tell ?' he asked. 'Did you smell it ?''Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats . . . '
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Computing Joke
The Life Cycle of SoftwareProgrammer produces code he believes is bug-free. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. See 3. See 4. See 5. See 6. See 7. See 8. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released. Users find 137 new bugs. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. See step 2
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Real Life Joke
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Fargo, North Dakota:A candidate for sheriff has challenged his opponents to a shootout, calling it a test of a law officer's ability to protect the public. 'Clearly, being the best shot doesn't necessarily make you the best sheriff, but I think it proves a point, ' Ken Schwab said Tuesday. Schwab wants the four other candidates to meet him June 1 at a shooting range. Each will fire 24 rounds at targets to determine the best shot, Schwab said. The challenge could be a problem for one candidate -- a well-known local tax protester and convicted felon who's not allowed to possess a firearm.
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Dirty Joke
A man got on a plane and sat next to a blonde, after sitting for awhile she sneezed, took out a tissue and whipped her box. The man not knowing her said nothing and went about his business. After about 3 or 4 minutes she sneezed again and, the same thing, whipped her box. Finally, the man got the nerve and asked 'what was wrong?' She said that every time she sneezes she has an orgasm. 'Oh!' the man said, are you taking anything for it? 'Yes', she said - 'black pepper!'
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Joke for Speeches
What does the left leg of a nymphomaniac say to her right leg? Nothing, they have never met.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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