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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
them funny. |
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny pictures of cats and dogs and other funny jokes |
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Kids Puns
A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer. 'So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?' 'Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall. ''That's very interesting, ' replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer. 'So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?''Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall. ' 'That's very interesting, ' replies the researcher. 'That's how they do it in Cornwall too. ' And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny. 'So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?''Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders. ''Over your shoulders?' replies the researcher. 'Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?''What?' says the farmer. 'And miss out on all the kissing?!'
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Sad Joke
You know you're not a kid anymore when. . . You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. You can live without sex, but not without glasses. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You are proud of your lawn mower. Your best friend is dating someone half their age. . . and isn't breaking any laws. You call Olan Mills before they call you. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You sing along with the elevator music. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. You make an appointment to see the dentist. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. Neighbors borrow your tools. People call at 9 pm and ask, 'did i wake you?'You have dreams about prunes. You answer a question with 'because i said so!'You send money to PBS. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. You take a metal detector to the beach. You wear black socks with sandals. You know what the word 'equity' means. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV. Your ears are hairier than your head. You talk about 'good grass' and you're refering to someone's lawn. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel 'old folks MTV. 'You go bowling without drinking. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
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Pensioner Joke
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. . . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is. ' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
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Knock Knock Joke - 1
Knock Knock Who's there ? Cologne ! Cologne who ? Cologne me names won't help !
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Dirty Joke
Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market. 'Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically, ' remarked his friend. 'I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me. '
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Dead and dying Joke
Did you hear about the two men who were cremated at the same time? It was a dead heat.
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Bird Joke
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ? He heard the referee calling fowls
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Short Stupid Joke
What is the difference between a vulture and your mother-in-law? Vultures wait until your dead to pick on you.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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