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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny online birthday cards and other funny jokes |
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Kids Puns
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:--Responsibility makes me nervous. --They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions. REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches. --I was working for my mom until she decided to move. --The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers. JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility. --I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:--Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job. --My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. --I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant. PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:--Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. PERSONAL INTERESTS:--Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:--Education: College, August 1880-May 1984. --Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse. --Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget. --I'm a rabid typist. --Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
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Computing Joke
COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS:As depicted in movies, Word processors never display a cursor. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. All monitors display inch-high letters. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing 'ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES' on any keyboard. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing 'UPLOAD VIRUS' (see 'Fortress'). All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see 'Demolition Man' and countless others). Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see 'Alien', '2001').
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Bar Joke - 1
Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. . 'I sure do, ' he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter. 'Wow!' said his friend, 'where did you get that monster. ''I got it from my genie. ''You have a genie?' he asked. 'Yes, he's right here in my pocket. ''Could I see him?'He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie. The friend says, 'I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?''Yes I will, ' the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks. About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, 'What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!'He answers, 'I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?'
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Easy to Remember Joke
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out. Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, 'There really is no justice in this world. ' The other little old lady says, 'What do you mean?' The first little old lady says, 'Look at that. ' 'When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it. ' 'When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it. ' 'When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it. ' 'When I was 40 years old, I asked for it. ' 'When I was 50 years old, I paid for it. ' 'When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it. ' 'When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it. ' 'And now that I'm '80
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Real Life Joke
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Tokyo, Japan:A bull bound for slaughter gave its handlers the slip Wednesday and escaped into Tokyo's teeming streets. The '1
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Comedy Joke
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
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Bird Joke
How many ducks would there be, if you saw two ducks in front of two ducks, two ducks between two ducks, and two ducks behind two ducks? Answer: 4 ducks-because they are in a row.
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Law Enforcement Joke
A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. 'When you and I get out of here, ' the jailbird said to the fly. 'we're going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune. ' Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. 'What about this fly, eh?' he said to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. 'Glad you saw it, ' muttered the bartender. 'Blasted things are everywhere. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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