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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny office stuff and other funny jokes |
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Animal World
Laboratory Rabbit Freedom A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great, ' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. 'Hey, ' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? 'Yes. Come and join us, ' they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked. 'Well, ' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them. ' This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?' 'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well. ' The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, ' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We poke them. Go and try it. ' Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. 'That was fantastic, ' he panted. 'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked. 'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't. ' The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here. ' 'I do, ' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette. '
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Assorted Joke
A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you. B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!! C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before. D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained? E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said 'I'm not hungry' so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies. F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her. G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period. H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out. I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors. J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy. K stands for Kill. L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love. M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for. N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she? O is for On top. When on top she has another O word. P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month. Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last. R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it. S stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do. T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies. U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement. V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place. W stands for Whine. She was a pro at this. X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone. Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you. Z stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled 'QUICK! They're home!' . stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
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Insect Joke
What's more dangerous than being with a fool ? Fooling with a bee !
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Old Age Joke
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: 'I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?'
Patient: 'Well, give me the bad news first. '
Doctor: 'You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. '
Patient: 'OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???'
Doctor: 'You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you. '
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Government Humor
Why are politicians like diapers?Both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.
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Situations Humor
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see afortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, hewent inside and sat down. 'Ah. . . . . ' said the woman as she gazedinto her crystal ball. 'I see you are the father of two children. ''That's what you think, ' said the man scornfully. 'I'm the fatherof THREE children. ' The woman grinned and said, 'That's what YOUthink. '
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Sport Joke
What does a basketball player do before he blows out his candles? He makes a swish!
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Ethnic Joke - 1
So this Mexican dude was taking a piss on the side of a buildingand this white dude sees him. After the Mexican is done the whiteguy asks him, 'How come you Mexicans don't wash your hands afteryou pee?'And the Mexican guy replies, 'Because we Mexicans don't piss inour hands'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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