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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny msg tones and other funny jokes |
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Funniest Joke
Once there was this guy, and he was driving in his car, and all of a sudden, he sees the Easter Bunny hopping on the road. Well, he was going too fast, and he didn't hit the brakes in time, so he hit the Easter Bunny. He was really upset, and was thinking, 'Oh no, what about all those poor little kids?? What can I do!?' Then, a blonde drove up in her car, and asked, 'What's wrong?' 'I hit the Easter Bunny!!' said the guy. 'Oh, I know what to do, ' said the blonde, and she went into her car, got a can, and sprayed the Easter Bunny with it. A few minutes later, the Easter Bunny got up, hopped a little bit, turned around and waved, hopped a little, turned around and waved, and it kept doing that. When the Easter Bunny was out of sight, the guy turned to the blonde and asked, 'Wow, I'm dying to know what was in that can!!''Oh, ' said the blonde, 'It was hair spray. It says, 'Spray on dead hair for permanent wave. ''
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School Joke
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC, recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, The girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators . . .
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Joke for Speeches
A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said 'Kramer, your grandmother died. 'The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, 'You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you. 'The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passsed away. The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, 'Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!'
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Bumper Stickers - 7
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
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Dumb Blonde Joke
Q: Why did the blonde go to the rehab center?
A: Because she thought she was hooked on phonics.
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Kids Puns
Once Santa Claus went to Ethiopia, to give the children some words of confort. He was there, with all those bony kids all around, and then they started yelling: 'WE WANT TOYS!! WE WANT TOYS!!!'But then Santa, remembering his important job of orientating children to behave well, said: 'A child who doesn't eat right doesn't get toys!!!'
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Spoof Joke
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, 'I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me. ' The husband says ' WHAT???' The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says 'but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it. ' The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says ' I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. ' The husband says, ' no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff. ' The wife face goes blank. ' No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. ' Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says ' You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!'
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Dirty Joke
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. 'Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?'Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. 'Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!' Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself. 'Yeah, ' says Carrie's father, 'Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, 'Dad, it's called the twist!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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