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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny mobile jokes and other funny jokes |
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Insect Joke
Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other bees ? Because they kept droning on and on !
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Music Joke
Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room ? A: They never know when to come in.
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Movie and TV Joke
Producer: Would you call your leading lady ugly? Director: Let's just say she'd look better on radio than on TV.
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Spoof Joke
Herewith is a compendium of movie clichs, stereotypes, obligatory scenes, hackneyed formulas, shopworn conventions and outdated archetypes. The author says that as you go to enough different movies, you start to notice things. Like how every time there's a chase scene in an exotic locale, a fruit cart gets overturned. Or how whenever the hero knocks out a Nazi sentry and puts on his uniform, the uniform is a perfect fit. Or how there are plots that would be over in five minutes, if all characters weren't idiots. Actress Inferior Position - In movie sex scenes, which are usually directed by men, the POV (Point of View) at the moment of climax is almost always the man's, so that we see the actress, not the actor, losing control. AC-WAT-NOBI Movie - A Cop With A Theory No One Believes In. Against All Odds Rule - In an apparently fatal situation from which there is no possible hope of survival, it is certain the characters will survive. In a situation where there is any apparent chance of survival, there will be at least some deaths. 'Ain't Nobody Here but Us Chickens. ' - Whenever someone is alone at home at night and they hear a sound in the house and ask aloud, '(Name), is that you?' it NEVER is. Air Vent Escape Route - If the hero is imprisoned in a building owned by the villains, there will inevitably be an air vent cover that is not screwed in and is easily removed. The passageway will be large enough to accommodate any size person. The escape route will pass over the room where the bad guys are discussing the details of their diabolical plan, which the hero will now be able to foil. Alien Berlitz Communication Rule (ABC Rule) - Movie aliens are able to learn the local language (English, French, Japanese, etc. ) in an amazingly short time. Frequently this includes the ability to reproduce recognizable Earth-like accents. Ali MacGraw's Disease - Movie illness in which only symptom is that the sufferer grows more beautiful as death approaches. Back seat Inviso-Syndrome - Film characters are invariably unable to see a person crouched in the backseat of a car (even a convertible) when, in the real world, it is an impossible place for a person to hide. Bad Movie Rental Warning Rule - If a rental movie box has a warning such as 'If scenes of graphic horror offend you, do not rent this film!' -do not rent this film. Baguette Envy - In every scene which includes a person carrying a bag of groceries, the bag will invariably contain a long, skinny, French baguette loaf, and exactly8. 5 inches of it will be exposed. Bartender Establishing Shot - All movie bartenders, when first seen, are wiping the inside of a glass with a rag. 'Based on a True Story. ' - Hollywood shorthand, meaning: Depressing, morbid, downbeat, including scenes so shocking or lascivious that no producer would include them in a movie unless he could excuse himself by saying these things actually happened. Bathroom Rule - No one in the movies ever goes to the toilet to perform the usual bodily functions. Instead they either use the bathroom to take illegal drugs, commit suicide, make a criminal deal, kill someone else in a stall, get killed, or sneak out through the bathroom window. Beeping Rule - In movies where cops, reporters, hackers, and others are using a computer to locate a suspect or special file, the successful retrieval of said subject is heralded with dramatic beeps, flashing messages, and other electronic indications that 'something important has been found. ' The only time an ordinary computer ever beeps is when it refuses to carry out a command. Beginning, The - Word used in titles of sequels to movies in which everyone was killed at the end of the original movie, making an ordinary sequel impossible. Explains to knowledgeable filmgoers that the movie will concern, for example, what happened in the Amityville house before the Lutzes moved in. Other examples: The First Chapter, The Early Days, etc. Best Play of the Game Rule - Every bad sports movie ends with the hero making an extraordinary catch/play/hit in slow motion to win the game at the final gun/bell/buzzer. 'Betcha Can't Name That Tune' Ploy - Almost all movie pianists, such as Clint Eastwood in 'In the Line of Fire
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Bumper Stickers - 4
I do work for food.
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Job and Office Joke
Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean)A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point. ) Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together. ) An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school. ) Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!) Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything. ) Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch. ) Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!) The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit. ) It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless. ) We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already. ) Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this. ) Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do. ) Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull. ) See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've messed up again. ) All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design. ) Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment. ) Robust! (Rugged, but more so) Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged) Years of development. (One finally worked) Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off. ) No maintenance. (Impossible to fix) Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix) Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down. ) We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!) I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days. )
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Insect Joke
What do you call a big irish spider ? Paddy long legs !
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Aviation Joke
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country. The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary. 'Tell me, ' she said suspiciously, 'what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?' The actuary looked through his tables and said, 'A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand. ' She nodded, then thought for a moment. 'So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?' Again he went through his tables. 'Extremely remote, ' he said. 'About one in a billion. ' Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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