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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny mobile downloads and other funny jokes |
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Bar Joke - 2
Two pieces of string walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bar and says, 'Barkeep! Give me a beer!'The bartender replies, 'Well uh. . aren't you a piece of string?'The piece of string answers, 'Yeah!'And the bartender says, 'Well get out of here! We don't serve your kind!'So the first piece of string walks back towards the door. The second piece of string says, 'Hey wait, hold on a minute!' 'You're not doing it right, watch this. ' He ties himself in a knot and frizzes out the top of his head. He walks up to the bar and says 'Barkeep! Give me a beer!'The barender said 'Aren't you a piece of string?'The piece of strings replies, 'Nope, I'm afraid not!'
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Joke for Speeches
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. 'I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you, ' he announced. 'Will the laziest man please put his hand up. 'Nine hands went up. 'Why didn't you put your hand up?' he asked the tenth man. 'Too much trouble, ' came the reply.
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Relationships Joke
A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, 'What's the matter?' He says, 'Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me. '
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Time Joke
What are your two favourite times to party? Daytime and night-time!
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At Work Joke
The boss called one of his employees into the office. 'Rob, ' he said, 'you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?' 'Thanks, ' said the employee. 'Thanks?' the boss replied. a 'Is that all you can say?' 'I suppose not, ' the employee said. 'Thanks, Dad. '
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Job and Office Joke
These are from actual resumes: 'Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs. 'I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability. ' 'Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap. ' 'I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich. ' 'Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job. ' 'Number of dependents: 40. ' 'Marital Status: Often. Children: Various. ' RESUME BLOOPERS 'Here are my qualifications for you to overlook. ' REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: 'Responsibility makes me nervous. ' 'They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions. ' REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB: 'Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches. ' 'I was working for my mom until she decided to move. ' 'The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers. ' JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: 'While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility. ' 'I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. ' SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: 'Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job. ' 'My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. ' 'I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant. ' PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: 'Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. ' PERSONAL INTERESTS: 'Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. ' SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: 'Education: College, August 1880-May 1984. ' 'Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse. ' 'Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget. ' 'I'm a rabid typist. ' 'Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation. '
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Relationships Joke
A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man. He says to her, 'What's going on?' She says, 'Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!'
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School Joke
An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost the combination!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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