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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
them funny. |
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny metal sculptures made and other funny jokes |
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Old age Joke
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said 'yes'. The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! 'Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny. . . ' After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. 'Oh', she said, 'I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was. '
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School Joke
Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk:
10 pounds sugar at $1. 25 a pound
4 pounds coffee at $1. 50 a pound
2 pounds butter at $1. 10 a pound
2 bars soap at $. 83 each
'How much does that come to?' asked Larry.
'Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents. '
'If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?' said the boy.
'Seven dollars and sixty-four cents,' stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions.
Larry said, as he disappeared through the door, 'I don't want to buy the items. . . that's our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it. '
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Kids Joke
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in andasked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, 'there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce. ' As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'and this gentleman wants to buy the other half'. The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, 'you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressedwith the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?' The boy replied, 'Minnesota sir'. 'Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota' asked the manager. The boy replied, 'They're all just whores and hockey players up there. ' The manager was shocked and replied 'My wife is from Minnesota!!'The boy answered, 'Really! What team did she play for?'
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Fun Funny Joke
What is the prudent thing to do when someone has an epileptic seizure in a hot tub?Toss in your laundry.
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Accountant Joke
What's the definition of unlikely? A photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants - Nude!'.
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Lotto Joke
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help. 'Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto'. Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prize. Joe again looked up and prayed. . . 'Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well'. Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck. Once again, he prayed. . . 'Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order . . . ' Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself: 'Joe, Meet Me Half Way On This One. Buy A Ticket!'
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Joke for Halloween
Neighbors had complained to the mayor about the noisy pub on the corner of 3rd & Lambourne. Seems that the old cronies got together every friday & saturday, played cards, drank beer, told lies and jokes until 2am Saturday morning, when the pub had to close. Officer Redding, parked down the street was not amused. He checked his watch, noted it was 01:'55
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Silliest Joke
Ariel was in trouble again. Her sisters were complaining to King Neptune that she didn't want to dress properly. Instead of wearing anemones to cover the protruding bits, she would stick long fronds of seaweed in her hair. Obviously these fronds did not always do their job because they tend to move with the flow, and this really annoyed her sisters. King Neptune, being a strict father, admonished his daughter and insisted she discards the seaweed and wear her anemones like a dutiful daughter should. 'But father, ' Ariel argued, 'with fronds like these, who needs anemones?'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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