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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny maths games and other funny jokes |
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Animal Joke
This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator. Well, one day we got a service call that said, 'Cat caught in machine, come quick!'When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.
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Bible Joke
GIRL'S CONFESSION The priest leaned closer to hear the girl's confession. 'So me andmy cousin were alone in the house, ' she continued, 'and went up to mybedroom. . . ' 'Go on, my child, ' said the priest gently. 'I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his handon my. . . . on my. . . ' 'Go on. ' 'On my pussy, ' stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen. 'And touched me and touched me until I couldn't help myself. ' 'Yes, go on, ' the priest directed. 'I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall, 'the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, 'and he began toshove it in me so hard. . . ' 'Yes, yes. . . Go on, ' he urged, breathing hard. 'And then we heard the front door slam--' 'Oh, SHIT!!!!
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Elephant Joke
What is stronger an elephant or a snail ? A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk !
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Time Joke
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. 'Yes?' 'Excuse me, sir, ' the jogger said, 'do you have the time?' The man looked at the car clock and answered, '8:15'. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. 'Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?' '8:25!' The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another o ne disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, 'I do not know the time!' Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. 'Sir, sir? It's 8:45!. '
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Comedy Joke
The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in her robe and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a phone book. 'What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting, ' the nurse exclaimed. 'I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby, ' the new mother replied. 'You don't have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new mothers to assist them in picking a first name for their baby. ''You don't understand, ' the woman said and frowned. 'My baby already has a FIRST name!'
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College Humor
Q: Why isn't gambling allowed in Africa?A: Because of all the cheetahs.
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Bumper Stickers - 2
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
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Dentist Joke
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, 'that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?' The man replies, 'all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious . . . Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything. ' 'Well, ' says the dentist, 'That's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome. ' 'Why chrome?' asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, 'It's simple. Everyone knows that . . . there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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