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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny maternity clothes and other funny jokes |
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Funny Famous Joke
Donald Duck walked into a drugstore & asked for a packet of condoms. 'Certainly, sir' said the lady behind the counter, 'shall I put them on your bill?''NO WAY!' replied Donald Duck, 'What do you think I am, a Dickhead?!'
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Business Joke
A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.
She said, 'My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five year's salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums. '
'I can't help but ask why you would leave a job with such benefits,'
the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, 'The company went bankrupt. '
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Top 100 Joke
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, 'Seven Points. 'His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'The old man replied, 'It's fart football!'A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -'Touchdown, tie score!' After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -'Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!'Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -'Touchdown, tie score!'Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -'Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!' Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed. The wife looks and says, 'What the heck was that?'The old man replied, 'Half-time, Switch sides!'
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Science Joke
Q:What do you call two guys in a sleepping bag?A: A gay time. . . . Sent by Lara
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Law Enforcement Joke
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: 'Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'
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Joke for Speeches
What's the difference between Anarchists and Libertarians??Libertarians are anarchists with money. Anarchists believe property is theft. Libertarians believe everything is property. Libertarians are bosses; anarchists work for them when they run out of other options. Libertarians buy more guns, but anarchists use more ammo. Libertarians ride in stretch limos; anarchists throw bricks through their windshields. Libertarians go shopping; anarchists go shoplifting. Libertarians go to the police after they've been mugged; anarchists get mugged by the police. A libertarian wants to marry another libertarian, but only after sleeping with enough anarchists. Anarchists ignore the IRS; Libertarians hire accountants and attorneys to fight them. Libertarians think the government is trying steal the property they rightfully own; anarchists think the government is trying to defend property that nobody rightfully owns. Libertarians are organized in a political party; anarchists aren't organized in anything. Anarchists ignore elections; Libertarians run for office, vote and lose. Libertarians think anarchists are naive and unrealistic; anarchists don't care what libertarians think.
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Silliest Joke
At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon. ' In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT. ' But then you would have to buy more seats. 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car default' warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off. 10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. 12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You'd press the 'start' button to shut off the engine.
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Doctor and nurse Joke
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eel That's shocking!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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