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5QS |
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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
them funny. |
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny leaving card quotes and other funny jokes |
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Bumper Stickers - 2
BEER, Helping people have sex since 1865.
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Clinton Joke
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they can't afford any more pork.
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Priceless Joke
A guy goes to his high school class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty-five years he's very curious as to who might show up. When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past. 'How have you been?' he asks. 'I've been fine, just fine, ' she replies, 'Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though. ''Bad news first, please. ''Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy. ''Oh my, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that. ''But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!'
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Cow Joke
What do cows call Frank Sinatra? Old Moo Eyes!
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Kids Puns
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day whenSleepy rushes in and says, 'Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!'Everyone gets all excited and chants, 'We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him. 'The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, 'Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!'The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, 'Do you have a question to ask me, young man?'Dopey looks up shyly and says, 'Well, yes. 'The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, 'Well, do. . . . do they have nuns in Alaska?'The Pope replies, 'Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska. 'The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, 'Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!'The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, 'Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?'To which the Pope replies, 'Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes. 'Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, 'Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!'The Pope asks Dopey, 'Is there still more to your question?'To which Dopey replies, 'Well, uh, yeah. . . . . are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?'The startled Pope replies, 'Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska. 'At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling. . . 'Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!'
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Police Joke
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: Hi, is this the police? Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance? Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
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Election Joke
10. 'The first vote goes to Gore. . . call CNN and tell them Gore won. '
9. 'Wait, if my wet laundry is in the ballot box. . . oh my god! Stop the dryer!'
8. 'If someone voted for 'the jerk,' do I give it to Gore or Bush?'
7. 'Let's be extra careful, because every single vote counts. . . ha, ha, ha, ha, just kidding!'
6. '120. . . 121. . . 122! Yes! I'm the ballot-eating champion!'
5. 'This is much easier than my last job designing tires for Firestone'
4. 'America must never know Ralph Nader actually won the election'
3. 'Discard all these votes for Bush -- they're obviously left over from 1992'
2. 'I'm sure gonna miss you guys when this is over. If only there was a way to make it last a few more days. . . '
1. 'Heads Bush. . . Tails Gore'
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Business Joke
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero. 8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task. 12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan. 13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. 14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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