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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny leaving card messages and other funny jokes |
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Halloween Joke
What do fishermen say on Halloween? 'Trick-or-trout!'
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Military Joke
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. 'My great grandfather, at age '13
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Silliest Joke
George CarlinAds in Bills:Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your billsnow? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels. . . I write, 'Could you throw this away for me? Thank you. '--------------------------------------------------------------Fabric Softener:My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. -----------------------------------------------------------------CripesMy wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes. ' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly. ' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?---------------------------------------------------------------------Morning Differences:Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. ---------------------------------------------------------------------Pregnancy:It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh mygod. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. 'Oh my god. . . give me your hand. . . It won't be long now. . . '---------------------------------------------------------------------Grandma:My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy SeniorCitizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. ---------------------------------------------------------------------Reverse Life Cycle:The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life istough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating. . . you finish off as a gleam. ------------------------------------------------------Prisons:Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house eachprisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. ---------------------------------------------Award Shows:Can you believehow many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing. -------------------------------------------Phone-in Polls:You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% 'I don't know'. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote. . . They're voting 'I don't know. ' 'Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about. ' This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2. 95. (into phone) 'I'm not in the mood. '----------------------------------------------------------Answering Machine:Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone'sanswering machine? 'Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it rightnow. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love. ''Beep. ' 'Uh, yeah. . . this is the VD clinic calling. . . Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love. '
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Old age Joke
For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1. '50
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School Joke
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, 'Take only one. God is watching. '
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples. '
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Insect Joke
What do you get if you cross the Lone Ranger with an insect ? The Masked-quito !
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Dirty Joke
Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
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Kids Puns
Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A. Kick his sister in the jaw.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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