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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny kitchen aprons and other funny jokes |
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Animal World
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around hisneck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it'shis turn to be waited on. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchaseand noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and askedthe dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, 'How many pounds?' The dog barked twice, so thebutcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, 'Anything else?' The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butchersaid, 'How many?' The dog barked four times, and the butcher made upa package of four pork chops. The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could getat the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money beforetying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow thedog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a housewhere it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, 'That's areally smart dog you have there. ''He's not really all that smart, ' the owner replied. 'This is the second time this week he forgot his key. '
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Dentist Joke
Why did the dentist make a poor date with the manicurist? Because they fought both tooth and nail!
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Fishing Joke
Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
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Hunting Joke
What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food ? 'Let us prey. '
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Funniest Joke
A blonde was standing in front of a pop machine. Her boyfriend looks over and hears her screaming at the machine. . . 'You're a dumb-looking button!' 'You don't have much of a future, either!' 'You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button!' 'I've got better looking buttons than you in my dresser drawer!'Thinking she flipped her lid, her boyfriend walks over to see what the fuss is about. 'What in the heck are you doing?' her boyfriend asks. The blonde quickly points to the sign on the front of the machine that reads. . . 'DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE'.
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Cannibal Joke
What do pygmy cannibals eat for breakfast? Weedie Bix!!
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Knock Knock Joke - 3
Knock Knock Who's there ! Caesar ! Caesar who ? Caesar quickly before she gets away !
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Easy to Remember Joke
How to Tell if You're a GrinchThis is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points). 2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out). 3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points). 4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points. 5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction). 6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth. 7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party). 8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car). 9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year). 10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points). Evaluate your score on the 'Grinch Scale' from 20 to100. 20-30: You are just a cheeseball. 30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets. 50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived. Happy Holidays to one and all!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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