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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny happy new year sms and other funny jokes |
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Sport Joke
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, 'You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree. ' With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, 'Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall. '
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Miscellaneous Joke
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, 'How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****. '6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. 8. You're counting down the days until menopause. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
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Funny Famous Joke
Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table you've ruined this month!
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Ethnical Joke
Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says 'Hello'. The voice at the end of the phone says 'Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country. ' SH smiles to himself, 'Come on Paddy', he says, 'there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance. ' Paddy replies, 'No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you. ' So SH says, 'OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time. ' So Paddy says, 'Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport. ' Hussein laughs, 'Oh come on, you've not got a hope'. 'Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ', Paddy says, 'we'll just have a quick meeting. ' So off he goes and has a quick meeting. 'Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war. ' So SH says, 'Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that. ' 'Well, ' Paddy says, 'I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor. ' 'Get real, ' says SH, 'that's no match at all. ' So Paddy says, 'Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting. ' 'Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war. ' SH thinks this is just amazing, 'Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?'. 'Well, ' says Paddy, 'there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road. . . . I reckon I could get together about 30. ' Laughing openly now SH replies, 'Come on Paddy, I've got '10
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Language Joke
Eye Halve a Spelling ChequerEye halve a spelling chequerIt came with my pea seaIt plainly marques four my revueMiss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a wordAnd weight four it two sayWeather eye am wrong oar writeIt shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maidIt nose bee fore two longAnd eye can put the error riteIts rarely ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw itI am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect in it's weighMy chequer tolled me sew. -- Sauce unknown
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Bus Joke
What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold? One knows the stops, the other stops the nose.
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Dumb Blonde Joke
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
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Parent Joke
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren. 'Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me. . . what do you think of my grandchildren?'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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