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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny golf gear and other funny jokes |
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Short Stupid Joke
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. 3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. 4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. 5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. 6. Stock up and save. Limit: one. 7. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. 8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. 9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. 10. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. 11. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children = $2. 0012. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. 13. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. 14. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. 15. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale. 16. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. 17. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it. 18. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. 19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. 20. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. 21. Man, honest. Will take anything. 22. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. 23. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. 24. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. 25. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 26. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. 27. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. 28. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. 29. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1. 00. 30. Free Beer!!. Tomorrow!
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Silliest Joke
There were once four kids, Poop, Shut Up, Manners, and Trouble. Poop was riding his bike and fell. Manners went to help him up. Trouble got lost. Shut Up goes to the Police Station to report it. Officer: What's your name?Shut Up: Shut Up. Officer: What's your name?Shut Up: Shut Up. Officer: For the last time, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!Shut Up: Shut Up!Officer: Are you looking for Trouble? Shut Up: Yeah, we lost him about 2 miles back. Officer: Where's your Manners? Shut Up: Back there pickin' up Poop.
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Dumb Joke
What do men and women have in common?They both distrust men.
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School Joke
A postdoc, a grad student, and their professor are taking a walk outdoors during lunch when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof! Out pops a genie!
'Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison,' he says, 'I can grant you three wishes- one for each of you. '
The postdoc thinks a moment, and then she says, 'I'd like to be out sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with a crew of totally buffed-out, gorgeous guys. '
'It is done,' says the Genie, and Poof! the postdoc disappears.
The grad student thinks a moment and says, 'I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest. '
'It is done,' says the Genie, and Poof! the grad student disappears.
The professor looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then, he tells the Genie, 'I'd like those two back in lab after lunch. '
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Food Joke
What did the snake say when he was offered a piece of cheese for dinner? Thank you, I'll just have a slither.
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Humor Joke
A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom. . . so the man stands up to let her out. She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom. She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom. The man, a little tired of jumping up so often. . . asks her: 'You keep sneezing, what's the problem?'The woman replies: 'I have a rare condition. . . every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. 'He says, 'Oh. . . what are you taking for it?'She says: 'Pepper. '
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Very Silly Joke
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?The woman replies, 'He's a midget'!
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Job and Office Joke
What does your profession say about you?1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. 2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as 'marketing without a degree. ' You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can 'concentrate on the big picture. ' You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. 3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth. 4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest 'ergo dynamic' gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your 'carpal tunnel syndrome. '5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. 6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter. 7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other 'Middle Managers' as everyone in you social circle is a 'Middle Manager. '8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title)9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play 'Customer Service. ' Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager. 10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your 'skills' are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action. 11. RECRUITER, 'HEADHUNTER' - As a 'person' that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market. 12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter. 13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job. . . Thus the term 'GO POSTAL'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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