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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny glitter words and other funny jokes |
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Stupid Men
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One . . . men will screw anything.
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Law Enforcement Joke
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, 'I hear sirens. Jump!'The second one said, 'But we're on the 13th floor!'The first one screamed back, 'This is no time to be superstitious. '
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Christmas Joke - 1
1. You strike a match and light your nose. 2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad. 3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you. 4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. 5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl. 6. You hear someone say, 'Call a priest!' 7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall. 8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. 9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. 10. You tell everyone you have to go home. . . and the party's at your place. 11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off. 12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. 13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room. . . and realize you're in front of the hall mirror. 14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. 15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
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Redneck Joke
All the things my mother taught me:My mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!'My mother taught me RELIGION -'You better pray that will come out of the carpet. 'My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'My mother taught me LOGIC:'Because I said so, that's why. 'My mother taught me FORESIGHT -'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident. 'My mother taught me IRONY -'Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry out. 'My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -'Shut your mouth and eat your supper!'My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -'Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!'My mother taught me about STAMINA -'You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished. 'My mother taught me about WEATHER -'It looks as if a tornado swept through your room. 'My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -'If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?'My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -'If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!'My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. 'My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -Stop acting like your father!'My mother taught me about ENVY -'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!'
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Relationships Joke
I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won't give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man.
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Old People Joke
One day, an out-of-work man knocks on the door of a home in an upper-class neighborhood. The lady of the house answers. 'Pardon me Mam, Im out of work and looking for any odd jobs that people need done. I'm very handy with everything from repairs to yard work, to painting. . . ' 'Painting?' the woman jumped in. 'Oh, yes, Ma'am! Im a very careful painter, ' the man replied, his face brightening at the realization she could provide him some work. 'I'll tell you what. My husband just bought some green paint last week to paint the porch out back with, but we haven't had any time. If you can do a good job, then you can paint it before he gets home and surprise him. 'Now, do a particularly good job and paint the trimmings white also, and I'll pay you an extra bonus. ' 'Oh yes, Ma'am, I'll do an excellent job!' He was told the paints were also around back in the garage. \r nA few hours later, the man returns to the door. 'That was quick, did you do a good job?' the woman inquires. 'Oh yes Ma'am, two coats! But there's something you should know, ' the man says. 'That's not a Porsche, thats a Mercedes!'
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Funny Famous Joke
Why Steve, you're so depressed today, what's the matter?Ah, well, I have had a quarrel with my mother-in-law. She swore to me she wouldn't talk to me for a month!!Then so bad about it? You should celebrate the event!!No, no, see. . . that was four weeks ago, and today is the last day. . .
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Fishing Joke
Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water. Bob can't believe it, he yells over ' whats your secret?' 'woogatkakeptewrwm' he answers back. 'what did you say?' replies Bob. The man spits a large ball of worms on the ice and says to Bob, ' you have to keep your worms warm'.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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