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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny gifts for friends and other funny jokes |
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Naughty Joke
A priest is teaching a nun how to swim and the nun says to the priest 'Will I really sink if you take your finger out?'
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Old Age Joke
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again. '
To which the gentleman said, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
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School Joke
What kind of food do maths teachers eat? Square meals!
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Joke Online
More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to. I'D LOVE TO BUT. . . . . . I have to go to court for kitty littering. ' . . . I have to jog my memory. ' . . . I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar. ' . . . I have to rotate my crops. ' . . . I have to sit up with a sick ant. ' . . . I have to stay home and see if I snore. ' . . . I have to study for a blood test. ' . . . I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner. ' . . . I prefer to remain an enigma. ' . . . I think you want the OTHER (fill in your name here). ' . . . I'm going to be old someday. ' . . . I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. ' . . . I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me. ' . . . I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. ' . . . I'm trying to cut down. ' . . . I'm up to my eardrums in waxy buildup. ' . . . I've been traded to Cincinnati. ' . . . My Dress For Obscurity class meets then. ' . . . my favorite commercial is on TV. ' . . . My uncle escaped. . . again. ' . . . Oooo, having fun gives me prickly heat. '
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Cowboy Joke
Why did the cowboy get a hot seat? Because he rode the range.
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Weirdest Joke
THE BODY PARTS MEETINGOne day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge:The brain said 'I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge. 'The eyes said 'I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge. 'The hands said: 'Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge. 'The stomach said: 'I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge. 'The legs said: 'Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. I'm the most important and I should be in charge. 'Then the rectum said: 'I think I should be in charge. ' All the rest of the parts said: YOU?!! You don't do anything! You're not as important as we are, surely! You can't be in charge!'So the rectum closed up. . . After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge. The moral of the story? You don't have to be the most important to be in charge. . . . just an asshole!
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Strange Humor
A ten year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table, and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. 'Was it the nuns that did it?' the father asked. The boy shook his head and said, 'No. ''Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?' 'No. ' 'The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?' 'No', said the son. 'On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I KNEW they meant business!'
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Animal World
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep hercompany at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; itwouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be funto hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediatelyspotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare lookingand beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you firstthat this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it sayspretty vulgar stuff. 'The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have thebird. She said she would buy it anyway. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for itto say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam. 'The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thoughtthat's not so bad. A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returnedfrom school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them andsaid, 'New house, new madam, new whores. 'The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but thanbegan to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, thewoman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him andsaid, 'New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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