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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny get well verses and other funny jokes |
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History Joke
What famous chiropodist ruled England ? William the Corn-cutter!
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Sport Joke
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. 'Very well, ' said the gatekeeper of Heaven. 'But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches. ' 'I know, and That's all right, ' Satan answered unperturbed. 'We've got all the umpires. '
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Weirdest Joke
Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy. A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates. One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.
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Warped Humor Joke
Why did the teacher decide to become an electrician? To get a bit of light relief.
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Music Joke
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.
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Miscellaneous Joke
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her. 1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle. 2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots. 3. I will not complain 'My arm is tired' after only throwing the ball 20 times. 4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch. 5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang. 6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to. 7. I will get rid of those cats. 8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business. 9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two). 10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me. 11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December. 12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car. 13. I will share everything I eat with my master. 14. I will allow my master on the couch. 15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times. 16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things. 17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it. 18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog. 19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master. 20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her 'collar. ' 21. I will not cut my master's nails. 22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master. 23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like 'going to work'. 24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work. 25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command. 26. I will not bring home any more cats. 27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business. 28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master. 29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it. 30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier. 31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet. 32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle. 33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's entire piano practice. 34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters. 35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient. 36. Dog bladders are not large. 37. I will not yell at my master for creating 'chew toys' from found objects. 38. I will not run out of treats. 39. I will , make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents, for my master. 40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats. 41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit. 42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master. 43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master. 44. I will try much harder to understand my master's language. 45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing. 46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really. 47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore. 48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them. 49. I will always carry cookies and treats. 50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master. 51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA, she says it is a Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there. 52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning. 53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy 'chair'. 54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard. 55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping 'illegally'.
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Car and train Joke
What do you call a group of cars ? A clutch !
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Mad Joke
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, 'If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull. ' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, 'If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant. ' The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, 'What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!' The kid smiles and says, 'I would be a bus driver!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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