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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny get well soon messages and other funny jokes |
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Dumb Blonde Joke
Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her. 'That's a lovely car, ' said the mechanic. 'What seems to be the matter?Judi replied, 'Well, it just conked out I'm afraid. ''Let me have look. ' He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again. 'Thank goodness, ' she said. 'What was the matter?''Simple really, just crap in the carburetor, ' he replied. Looking shocked she asked, 'Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?'
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Joke for Halloween
Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. 'What happened to you feet?' his wife asked. 'I had a childhood disease called tolio. ''Don't you mean polio?''No, tolio, it only affects the toes. 'He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. 'What happened to your knees?' she asked. 'Well, I also had kneesles. ''Don't you mean measles?''No, kneesles, it only affects the knees. 'When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said. . . 'Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!'
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Joke for Halloween
A few days ago, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, 'All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving. 'The mother went into the living room and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language. 'Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!'
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School Joke
Father: How do you like going to school? Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!
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Funny Kids Joke
A woman was in court charged with wounding her husband. 'But madam, why did you stab your husband 100 times?' asked the judge.
'Oh, your honor,' replied the woman, 'It was an electric knife and I couldn't switch it off. '
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Bumper Stickers - 2
A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, You Know, Night
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Mad Joke
Did you hear about the blonde that stared at an orange juice can for20 minutes because it said concentrate?
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Car and train Joke
Policeman: What do you think you're doing driving through that intersection fifty miles an hour? Driver: My brakes don't work so I was rushing home before I had an accident.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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