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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny get well soon and other funny jokes |
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Christmas Joke - 2
What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? It was wound up already.
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Car and train Joke
If an electric train travels 90 miles an hour in a westerly direction and the wind is blowing from the north, in which direction is the smoke blowing? There is no smoke from an electric train!
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Practical Joke
Is It Better To Be a Jock or a Nerd?$ Michael Jordan having 'retired, ' with $40 million in endorsements, makes $'178
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Office Humor
Q: Why does Helen Keller have a yellow leg?A: Her dog is blind also. Q: Did you know that Helen Keller had a doll house in the backyard?A: Neither did she. Q: Why could Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?A: She needed the other hand to moan. Q: What happened when Helen Keller fell down the well?A: She screamed her hands off!You've seen the Helen Keller doll?Wind it up, and it walks into a wall. Ever wonder how Helen Keller could tell the difference between the men's room and the ladies room?She feels her way around. Q: How did Helen Keller burn her ear?A: Answering the iron. Q: How did she burn her other ear?A: They called back. Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?A: You'd run away too if your name was Yeeaawwoaw. (make strange noise)Why did Helen wear skin-tight pants?So her friends could read her lips. How did Helen Keller break her hand?Trying to read the stop sign at 50 mph. HOW DID HELEN KELLER BURN HER FACE?ANSWER: BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES!How did Helen Keller drive her car?One hand on the wheel; The other on the road. How did Helen Keller meet her husband?On a blind date!What's Helen Keller's idea of oral sex?A Manicure. How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?Answering the stapler. What was Helen Keller's favorite color?Velcro. Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell down the stairs?She was wearing gloves. What was Helen Keller's speech impediment?Calluses. How did Helen Keller's teachers punish her for talking in class?They made her wear mittens. Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diaper?So she could always find him. Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?From whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriends ear. How did Helen Keller go crazy?Trying to read the stucco walls. How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?She shouted hysterically. Why did Helen Keller stop skydiving?It was hell on the seeing eye dog!What goes ('CLICK' is that it? 'CLICK' is that it? 'CLICK' is that it?)?Hellen Keller working the rubix cube. Seen Stevie Wonder's new video?He hasn't either.
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Weird Women Joke
Men vs. Women Men and women are not alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged: RELATIONSHIPS: First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to it as 'that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis. ' When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots. ' Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say 'I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us. ' This is known as the 'I Hate You/I Love You' drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective. SEX: Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. HATS: Women look good in hats; men look like dinks. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their 'i's' with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their 'p's' and 'g's. ' It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. BATHROOMS: A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day. GOING OUT: When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out. When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup. . . LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the 'Gimme the Ball' number in 'A Chorus Line. ' CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head. . . GARAGES: Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages. MOVIES: For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in 'Gone With The Wind. ' For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in 'Public Enemy. ' JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car. LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says 'Oh, gee, that must hurt. ' The man doubles over and actually feels pain. ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women. NUDITY IN MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men. The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there. WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the 'ceremony. ' Men talk about 'the bachelor party. ' SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. PLANTS: A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. MUSTACHES: Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches. NICKNAMES: With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like 'Ultimate Pecs' and 'Big Turk, ' women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
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Horse Joke
How do you. . . . . .
induce labor in a mare? Take a nap.
cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.
cure equine insomnia? Take them in a halter class.
get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Enter them in a liberty class.
get a horse to wash their own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.
get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.
get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.
get a show horse to set up perfect and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is a round to see him.
induce a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse.
make it rain? Mow a field of hay.
make a small fortune in the horse business? Start with a large one.
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Computers Joke
Chain Letter Type IIIHi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This isabsolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not asmany little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Passthis on to '15
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Vampire Joke
What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snail? I don't know but it would slow him down.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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