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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny get well messages and other funny jokes |
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Sports Joke
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly,'Who stopped the elephant?' 'I did,' said the centipede. 'Who stopped the rhino?' 'Uh, that was me too,' said the centipede. 'And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?' 'Well, that was me as well,' said the centipede. 'So where were you during the first half?' demanded the coach. 'Well,' said the centipede, 'I was having my ankles taped. '
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Bumper Stickers - 3
E. coli Happens
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Election Joke
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The I. D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O. D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site.
N. B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.
6. All pipe over 500ft (153m) in length should have the words 'long pipe' clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3. 2km) in length must have the words 'long pipe' painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe.
8. All pipe over 6' (152mm) in diameter must have the words 'large pipe' painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.
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Clean Humor
A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other. . . A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, 'I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5. ' Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, 'O. K. , if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! ' Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5. Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?' The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep. The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, 'Well what's the answer to the question?' Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.
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Best Joke Online
The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just 'lock-up' for no apparent reason. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age? It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, 'Good-Bye. '
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Hair and bald Joke
Is that your face or are you wearing your hair back to front today?
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Weird Facts
A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the high rate of reproduction!
If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase. . . . . . . . . 'goodnight, sleep tight. '
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the 'honeymoon'.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. . . So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them, 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. '
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Gorilla Joke
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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