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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny games roulette and other funny jokes |
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Movie and TV Joke
Neighbour: Haven't I seen you on TV? Actor: Well, I do appear, on and off, you know. How do you like me? Neighbour: Off.
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Joke for Halloween
One day, John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor. 'So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?' the doctor said. 'The nurse must have told you, ' said John, wondering how the Doctor knew. 'No. It was in your urinalysis. ' and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn't believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit. Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine. When John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor. The doctor looked at him and said, 'I've got some bad news, smartass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V. D. , your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!'
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Stupid Blonde Joke
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
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Father Joke
What kind of food do maths teachers eat?
Square meals!
The food in our school canteen is perfect.
If your a bug!
An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: Our puppy toilet trained on it
A history joke
How did Columbus's men slee
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War Joke
British Military Officer Fitness ReportsThe British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form usedfor Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following areactual excerpts taken from people's '206's'. . . . - His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. - I would not breed from this Officer. - This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be. - When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. - He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. - He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. - Technically sound, but socially impossible. - This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere. - This young lady has delusions of adequacy. - When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably. - This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar. - Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. - She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. - He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. - This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better. - In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet. - The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship. - Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. - Only occasionally wets himself under pressure
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American Joke
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, 'Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now. ' The Mexican man pleads with him, 'No, noooo, Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!'
The border patrol agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him, and says 'OK, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence. '
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, 'The three words are: green, pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence. '
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, 'Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green. . . I pink it up, and sez yellow?'
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Doctor and nurse Joke
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help? Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
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Legal Humor
Trial Of The Century Transcript Reveals Objectionable Methods By Dave Barry, Sunday, March '19
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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