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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny costumes and other funny jokes |
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Priceless Joke
Two blondes were planning to rob a bank. The first blonde had a tendancy to be smarter than the second. They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front of the bank. The first blonde says to the second blonde, 'Are you SURE you understand the plan?' 'Yes!' replied the second blonde. So the second blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and heads into the bank. Time passes, and after 10 minutes the second blonde has not returned. The first blonde gets very nervous. Finally, out comes the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants down. 'No you idiot! I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!'
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Computing Joke
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, 'Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go. 'Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, 'Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?' Looking slightly puzzled, God said, 'Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?'Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, 'I think I'll try Hell first. ' So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell. When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. 'This is great, ' he thought, 'if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven. 'Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity. Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons. 'So, how is everything going?' God asked. Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, 'This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place. . . . with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?'That was the demo, ' replied God.
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Dumb Men Joke
What does it mean to come home to a man who'll give you some love and tenderness? You're in the wrong house.
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Travel and tourist Joke
Were you in Paris on your vacation? 'I don't know, my wife got the tickets. '
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Bible Joke
A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers asked the students to learned one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, 'He was born in a manger. ' Bobby said, 'He threw the money changers out of the temple. ' Little Johnny said, 'He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it. ' Curious, the teacher asked, 'And where did you learn that, Johnny?' 'From my Daddy, ' said Johnny. 'Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?''
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Priceless Joke
One night when a boy prayed to god, the boy asked god:How Long is 1 million years to you?God replies 1 second. The Boy asked God:How much is 1 million dallors to you?God replies 1 penny. Then the boy asked god if he could have a penny. God replies. . . sure, 'gimme 1 second'.
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School Joke for Kids
The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. 'Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?' she asked the salesclerk. 'It's designed to adjust the tot to live in today's world, madam, ' the shop assistant replied. . . . 'Any way he tries to put it together is wrong. '
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Bumper Stickers - 1
Discourage Inbreeding - Ban Country Music
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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