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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny cartoon sketches and other funny jokes |
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Just for Laughs Joke
MarriageGetting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes I am, I married the wrong man. 'Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's. A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' And the father replied, 'I don't know, son, I'm still paying. 'Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. Then there was a man who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late. 'Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you. ' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice. 'It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends Up with the same boss. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine. 'When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is. A woman was telling her friend , 'It is I who made my husband a millionaire. ' 'And what was he before you married him. ' Asked the friend. The woman replied, ' A billionaire'. God says to Adam, 'What would you like in a wife?' 'Hmmm, ' says Adam, 'I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me. ' 'Hmmmm', God says, 'I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg. ' 'Oh, ' says Adam, 'Well what can I get for a rib?'
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Marriage Joke
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
'Honey,' she signs, 'Why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.
'The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, 'Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis . . . fifty times'
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Knock Knock Joke - 3
Knock Knock Who's there ! Callas ! Callas who ? Callas should be removed by a podiatrist !
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Spoof Joke
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB. ATnT virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the ATnT virus. Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a 'virus', but instead refers to itself as an 'electronic microorganism. ' Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore. Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard. Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. Nike virus: Just does it. Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $'4
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Pensioner Joke
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, 'Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps. ' The second old man says, 'You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps. ' Finally the third old man speaks up, 'Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up. '
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Miscellaneous Joke
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. 'I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this. 'After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, 'I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!'
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Bicycle Joke
What did the silly boy take his bicycle to bed with him? Because he didn't want to walk in his sleep.
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Bath Joke
Mom: Joe, time for your medicine. Joe: I'll run the bath then. Mom: Why? Joe: Because on the bottle it says 'to be taken in water. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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