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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny card jokes and other funny jokes |
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Blonde Joke - 3
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A1: They can't find the zipper. A2: They cant find the pull tab.
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Just for Laughs Joke
Hobo shows up at the front door of a grand mansion. The owner comes to the door. Hobo says, 'Sir, I am down on my luck and ask if you could please spare me a meal?'The owner stared at the hobo for a minute and then broke out in a lambasting such as the world has never heard. 'You shiftless bum!! I worked all my life for what I have and you make me sick, begging for food! How dare you!! You should be ashamed!'The hobo lowered his head in shame. After a minute of silence, the owner began to soften toward the unfortunate man, and said, 'Look, if you are willing to do some work for me, I will pay you and give you a meal. 'The hobo was ecstatic! 'Oh, yes sir! I will do whatever you want. Thank you!' So the owner said, 'OK, go around back. You'll see a porch there, and a bucket of battleship grey paint and a brush. Paint the porch, windows included, and you'll have a meal. ' The hobo wasted no time and scurried around back. About an hour later, the front bell rang again. The owner opened the door and saw a paint splattered hobo with a big grin on his face. 'Now don't you feel better, ' he said. 'Yes!' said the hobo. 'I'm a new man!''OK, ' said the owner, 'come in and have some lunch. ' The two sat around the kitchen eating and drinking for about an hour, when the hobo said he had to leave. He thanked the owner profusely for getting him back on the straight and narrow. As the owner showed the hobo to the front door, the hobo turned and said, 'Oh, by the way, that wasn't a Porsche out back, it was a Ferrari. '
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Joke for Halloween
A little old lady went to the grocery store & put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, 'Nothing but the best for my little kitten. 'The girl at the cash register said, 'I'm sorry, but we can't sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, & the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat. 'The little old lady went home, picked up her cat & brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store & bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated, she went home, came back & brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies. The next day, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, 'No - you might have a snake in there. ' The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So, the cashier put her finger into the box & pulled it out & told the little old lady, 'That smells like crap. ' The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, 'Now, my dear, can I please buy 3 rolls of toilet paper?'
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History Joke
What does the 1286BC incribed on the mummy's tomb indicate ? The registration of the car that ran him over !
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Joke for Speeches
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?' 'Sand, ' answered Juan. The guard says, 'We'll just see about that get off the bike. ' The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand, ' says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. 'Hey, Buddy, ' says the guard, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. . . . . I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?' Juan sips his beer and says, 'Bicycles. '
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Military Joke
As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: 'What's that stuff on those hills?''Just snow, ' replied the stewardess. 'That's what I thought, ' said the lady, 'but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece. '
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Best Joke
With their 30th wedding anniversary approaching, Ron asks his wife, Sylvia, what she wants to celebrate the occasion. 'Would you like to have a new mink coat?' Ron asks. 'No, not really, ' Sylvia responds. 'Well, how about a new Porche?' asks Ron. 'No, thanks, ' Sylvia replies. 'What about a new vacation home in the country?' Ron suggests. 'No, ' says Sylvia. 'Well, what would you like for your anniversary?' Ron asks. 'I'd like a divorce, Ron, ' answers Sylvia. 'Sorry, honey, I wasn't planning on spending that much, ' replies Ron.
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Bumper Stickers - 1
Kill 'em all. Let God sort it out
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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