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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
them funny. |
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny car window stickers and other funny jokes |
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Free Adult Joke
Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together. Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one. Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt. Has change for a seven dollar bill. Has FINO (first in never out) memory. Has his brain on cruise control again. Has his solar panels aimed at the moon. Has it floored in neutral. Has no discretionary intellect. Has no upper stage. Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it. Has only one chopstick in the chowmein. Has resonance where others have brains. Has signs on both ears saying 'Space for Rent'. Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like watching tennis Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit. Has the brains of a house plant. Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut. Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant. Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding. Has the mental agility of a soap dish. Has the personality of a snail on Valium. Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle. Has two brains one is lost and the other is out looking for it. Hasn't caught on that X and Y are relative values. Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard. Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat. Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited. He can only type in upper case. He can push but he can't pop.
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Bar Joke - 1
My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing. One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could. After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes. . . . Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks. . . DOH!
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Bible Joke
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'And the minister says, 'Just water. 'The sheriff says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord, He's done it again!'
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Military Joke
Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka- boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away -- ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph -- bulls-eye! 'I've got to get this guy!' Ross said to himself. 'He has the perfect arm!' So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history. The young Bosnian is lioni zed as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. 'Mom, ' he says into the phone, 'I just won the Super Bowl. ' 'I don't want to talk to you, ' the old woman says. 'You deserted us. You are not my son. ' 'I don't think you understand, Mother!' the young man pleads. 'I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans. ' 'No, let me tell you, ' the mother retorts. 'At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight. ' The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says '. . . I'll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit. '
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Government Humor
We, the people of Florida, are holding this election hostage. When you, the people of the U. S. , promise to stop sending usyour old people, we will release your election.
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Bumper Stickers - 6
Sex is a misdemeanor . . . the more I miss it, the meaner I get!!
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Birthday Joke
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
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Spiked Humor
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. At a Santa Fe gas station: 'We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. ' In a New York restaurant: 'Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager. ' On the wall of a Baltimore estate: 'Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -Sisters of Mercy' On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: '38 years on the same spot. ' In a Los Angeles dance hall: 'Good clean dancing every night but Sunday. ' In a Florida maternity ward: 'No children allowed. ' In a New York drugstore: 'We dispense with accuracy. ' In the offices of a loan company: 'Ask about our plans for owning your home. ' In a New York medical building: 'Mental Health Prevention Center'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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