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bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny car adverts and other funny jokes |
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Dog Joke - 2
What dog sweats the most and drinks the most water? A hot-weiler!
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Computers Joke
Microsoft Market Penetration-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-INTRODUCING CONTRACEPTIVE98 ! ! !Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating everyaspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive'98
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Spoof Joke
Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties. Element Name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. -------------------------------Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
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Knock Knock Joke - 2
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bruno ! Bruno who ? Bruno more tea for me !
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Police Joke
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window. . . 'Pull over!' 'No, ' she shouts back, 'a pair of socks!'
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Police Joke
A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: 'Head on bullevard' and scratchs out his spelling error. 'Head on bouelevard' Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. 'Head on boolevard. . . ' dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. 'Head on curb. '
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Gorilla Joke
Q: What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree? A: A gorilla with a machine gun.
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Mad Joke
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: 'In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind ofliving thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark. 'And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. 'OK, ' said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. 'Six months, and it starts to rain, ' thundered the Lord. 'You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time. ' And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. 'Noah, ' shouted the Lord, 'where is my Ark?' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. 'Lord, please forgive me!' begged Noah. 'I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U. S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the Proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years, ' Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. 'You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?' Noah asked, hopefully. 'No, ' said the Lord sadly, 'Government already has. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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