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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
them funny. |
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny birthday texts and other funny jokes |
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Various animal Joke
If a hungry shark is after you, what should you feed it? Jawbreakers!
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Animal Joke
In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks1. [xxx] is not food. Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food. 2. I will not jump on the [xxx]. kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 A. M. , bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night. 3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx]. sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires. 4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx]. floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big people's shoes, bathtub, my Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers, marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble). 5. I will not climb the [xxx]. Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts. 6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish. Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food7. I will not hide [xxx]. Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet. 8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist. Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human's toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear9. [xxx] is not cat food. Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea10. [xxx] is not a bed. The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the people's wedding, piano strings, Mommy's sock drawer, the inside of the antique radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard. 11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy. The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons; toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human's toes; my human's penis (see 'Robin Williams, Live at the Met'
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Various animal Joke
What is slimy and wobbly, tastes of raspberry and lives in the seas? A red jellyfish.
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Burger Joke
Why can any hamburger run the mile in under four minutes? Because it's a FAST food!
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Computer Joke
Customer: 'Why didn't you tell me I have call waiting?' Tech Support: 'Sir, we have no way of knowing if you have call waiting. ' Customer: 'Well, you should ask everybody!' Tech Support: 'Do you have call waiting?' Customer: 'What's that?'
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Funny College Joke
A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper. 'My fellow scientists, ' he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone jumped up and shouted, 'he's a *&^^%*@)&!'. Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, 'My fellow scientists, '. Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, 'this dumb *%@(&+*! couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent *$3%$#*#+=!'. Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window. The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and the events that had transpired were explained to them. The police chief said to the scientist, 'We are going to have to arrest you. 'The scientist replied, 'For what? You can't arrest me for killing a clone!'. The attending scientists nodded in agreement. 'Well!' retorted the police chief. He thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for. . . 'Making an obscene clone fall. . . '
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Accountant Joke
Why did he cross back? So he could charge the client for travel expenses.
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E-mail Joke
What do vampires put at the bottom of their e-mails? Best viscious.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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