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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny birthday invitations and other funny jokes |
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Women Joke
A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie. The genie said, 'OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. . . You only get one wish!'The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, 'I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?'The genie laughed and said, 'That's impossible!!!Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish. 'The man said, 'OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish. ' Finally, he said, 'I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing, ', know how to make them truly happy. 'The genie said, 'Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?'
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Easy to Remember Joke
There was this guy who was sick so he went to the doctor. The doc ransometests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctorcalledand the wife answered. 'I'm going to have to run a few more tests', the doctor said 'I'm goingtoneed a semen, urine and a fecal sample'. After she hung up the husband asked, 'What did the doctor say?' 'Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear'.
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Blonde Joke - 1
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, 'It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!'
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Ethnical Joke
There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die. Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free. The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free. Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said 'I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me'.
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Election Joke
During an award ceremony the wife of Spain's ambassador to Washington asked former Sen. George Mitchell if he could make his speech a bit longer, since the ambassador had still not arrived from the airport. Mitchell replied: 'I spent years in the U. S. Senate, Madam. I can speak on any subject for any length of time -- usually on a subject about which I have no particular knowledge. '
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Comedy Joke
How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie? His lips start moving.
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Elderly People Joke
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body, he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. One morning he looks into the mirror and admires hisbody. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over, except his penis, and he decies to do something about it. He goes to the beach, strips completey and burries himselfin the sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand. Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and onelooks down and says 'There is no justice in this world'. The other lady says 'What do you mean?'The first lady says 'Look at that'. When I was 10 Yeras old I was afriad of it. When I was '20
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Instrument Joke
An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats. Q: What is the definition of an optimist?A: An accordion player with a pager. Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds. Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?A: Their personalities. Q: What's the range of an accordion?A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm! Q: What's a gentleman?A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't. Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion. Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?A: Terrorists have sympathisers. Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides. Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina?A: The accordion takes longer to burn. Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument?A: Hide it in an accordion case. Q: What's an accordion good for?A: Learning how to fold a map. Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?A: A chainsaw can be tuned. Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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