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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny bar signs and other funny jokes |
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Joke for Speeches
A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, 'Leroy'. 'Yes', she replied, 'All three sons are named Leroy. ''Why would you do that?', inquired the government worker. 'It makes it much easier to get things done. ', was her reply. 'Leroy, time for bath. ' And they all would get in the bath. 'Leroy, time for supper. ' And they all would come to the table. Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons. 'Oh that's easy', she replied. 'I just call them by their last name. '
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Joke of the Day
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
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Pig Joke
Why wouldn't the bird let her chicks go near the pig pen? She didn't want the pigs eating shredded tweet.
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Brother and sister Joke
Brother: Which is farther away- NY City or the moon? Sister: NY City. Why do ask? Brother: Well, I can see the moon, but I can't see NY City.
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Journalist Joke
How many journalists does it take to change a light bulb? 'We just report the facts, we don't change them. '
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Computing Joke
Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot. Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarrette. BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and rots off. BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher. C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible. COBOL: USE HANDGUN. COLT(45), AIM AT LEG. FOOT, THEN WITH ARM. HAND. FINGER ON HANDGUN. COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN. COLT TO HIP. HOLSTER. cah: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C. dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to shoot bullets. Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, interactively, until you run out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway, since no exception-processing was anticipated. Modula-2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun. Pascal: Same as Modula-'2
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Naughty Joke
There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees. So the father goes to his son's room and says 'Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette ?' 'Oh yes papa, I remember very well' says the son. 'Well son it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing'
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Politics Humor
Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird? The spread eagle.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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