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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny bags and other funny jokes |
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Dumb Blonde Joke
One day a blonde went into Wal-Mart and saw something she liked. The Blonde asked the clerk what it was. The Clerk said it was athermous. What does the thermous do? It keeps hot things hotand cold things cold. So she bought one. The blonde brought it towork one day and the blondes boss who also is a blonde said whatis that thing? It is a thermous the first blonde said. What doesit do? Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. What do you havein it? I have coffee and a popcycle in it. Sent by Tom
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Love and Marriage Joke
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.
'Tell me,' she asked the elderly salesman, 'is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?'
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, 'One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day. '
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Short Stupid Joke
Dear Tech Support:Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend5. 0 to Husband1. 0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend5. 0. In addition, Husband1. 0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance9. 9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL5. 0 and NBA3. 0. Conversation8. 0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning2. 6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging5. 3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. --Desperate***Dear Desperate, Keep in mind, Boyfriend5. 0 is an entertainment package, while Husband1. 0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears6. 2. Husband1. 0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty3. 0 and Flowers7. 0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband1. 0 to default to GrumpySilence2. '5
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Joke Online
Next time you're invited to a boring social event, try one of these excuses to why you can't attend:I'D LOVE TO BUT. . . . . . I don't want to leave my comfort zone. . . . I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary. . . . I have to answer all of my 'occupant' letters. . . . I have to fluff my shower cap. . . . I have to fulfill my potential. . . . I left my body in my other clothes. . . . I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist. . . . I'll be looking for a parking space. . . . I'm being deported. . . . I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. . . . I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store. . . . I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. . . . I'm sandblasting my oven. . . . I'm taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving. . . . I'm worried about my vertical hold. . . . I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other. . . . I've got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting. . . . it's too close to the turn of the century. . . . my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then. . . . my plot to take over the world is thickening. . . . my subconscious says no. . . . none of my socks match. . . . the grunion are running. . . . the last time I went, I never came back. . . . the monsters haven't turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots.
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Money Joke
Dad, would you like to save some money? I certainly would, son. Any suggestions? Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.
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Situations Humor
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, severalbystanders ran over to help the driver. A women was the first to reach thevictim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. 'Step aside, lady, ' hebarked. 'I've taken a course in first-aid!' The women watched for a fewminutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. 'Pardon me, ' she said. 'But whenyou get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here. '
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Music Joke
Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? A: Write 'pp, espressivo'.
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Joke for Kids
A motorist pulls up to the gas pumps and says 'fill it up, please'. The Attendant notices that the front and back seats of the car areoccupied by penguins. 'Hey Buddy' says the attendant to the driver, 'These birds can't be happy like this. . . they're wild animals, you should take them to a zooor something. . ' The motorist agrees to do so. The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once more the attendant sees the penquins installed in the front and back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding towels. . . 'What's this?' he says to the driver, 'I thought you agreed to take these birds to the zoo?'The driver says 'I did. . . and they had such a great time that today I'm taking them to the beach. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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