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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny aprons for men and other funny jokes |
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Children Joke
I had a funny dream last night, Mom. Did you? I dreamed I was awake, but when I woke up I found I was asleep.
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Funny Kids Joke
What's green and tough?A toad with a machine gun!
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Situation Joke
This young lady, a flighty young thing, got a job cleaning the bank windowsin the evening after the bank closed for business. Anyway, she was up thisladder, cleaning good and proper and as she was in the habit of wearing noknickers, every young man who would come along would stop and stare for asecond or two. But this evening an old geezer came along and stayedlooking. 'What are you looking at' she said. 'I'm looking at the moon' he said. 'Well, if you were here last night, you would have seen a man in it' shesaid.
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Computer Joke
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The Ultimate Computer Company's top salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demonstration of the Ultimate Computer's abilities.
'This', he said, 'is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it'. Skeptical about the Ultimate Computer's abilities, one man from the tour named Smartass Sam stepped forward and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. 'Where is my father?' he asked. There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights (that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people), and then a *ding* as a little card popped out. On it were printed the words: 'Fishing off Florida'. Smartass Sam smirked and then laughed in smug satisfaction. 'Actually,', said Sam, 'my father is dead. Your Ultimate Computer is a flop!' It had been a trick question!! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again? Smartass Sam thought once more, went up to the Ultimate Computer and this time said into the microphone: 'Where is my mother's husband?' Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again there was a *ding* as the little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: 'Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida'.
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Funny College Joke
Mrs. McKenzie was showing Corbett, the contractor, through the second floor of her new house to show him what colors to paint the rooms. 'I'd like the bathroom done in white!' Corbett walked over to the window and shouted, 'Green up! Green up!' 'I want the bedroom in blue!' continued the woman. The contractor listened and yelled out the window, 'Green up! Green up!' 'The halls should be done in beige!' she instructed. Again, the man barked out the window, 'Green up! Green up!' 'Will you stop that?!' shouted the woman. 'Every time I give you a color, all you do is shout 'Green up!' What the devil does that mean?' 'Tm real sorry, ma'am!' explained Corbett. 'But I got three Oklahoma basketball players down there tryin' to put in the front lawn!'
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Food and Drink Joke
My brother's on a seafood diet. Really? Yes, the more he sees food the more he eats.
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Romance Joke
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. 'Does your wife ever . . . well, you know . . . does she . . . well, let you do it doggie style?' asked one of the two. 'Well, not exactly, ' his friend replied, 'She's into the dog trick aspect of it. ' 'Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?' 'Well. . . not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead. '
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Law and Lawyer Joke
A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:30 p. m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, 'Well have the y got a verdict yet?' The bailiff shook his head and said, 'Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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