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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
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Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
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and 2 combine harvesters.
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny april fools and other funny jokes |
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Cat Joke
What do you call a black cat than can spring up to a six foot wall ? A good jumpurr !
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Joke for Kids
Politically Correct Little Red Riding HoodThere once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who livedon the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants thatwould probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time tostudy them. Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred toas 'mother', although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would havethought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit andmineral water to her grandmother's house. 'But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people whohave struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages betweenvarious people in the woods?'Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union bossand gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form. 'But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?'Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womynto oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until allwomyn were free. 'But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, sincehe's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?'And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attendinga special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypicalwomyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender afeeling of community. 'But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick andhence unable to independently further her own selfhood?'But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn'tactually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions wereinferior to what some people called 'health'. Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of deliveringthe basket to her grandmother, and so she set off. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerousplace, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based oncultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regardedthe natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed thatnatural predators were in fact intolerable competitors. Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, butRed Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peopleswould be able to 'come out' of the woods and be accepted as validlifestyle role models. On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, andwandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her whatwas in her basket. Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, andchose to dialogue with the Wolf. She replied, 'I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gestureof solidarity. 'The Wolf said, 'You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walkthrough these woods alone. 'Red Riding Hood said, 'I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, butI will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirelyvalid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way. 'Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards herGrandmother's house. But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence tolinear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma'shouse. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative ofhis nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put onGrandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments. Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, 'Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in yourrole of wise and nurturing matriarch. 'The Wolf said softly 'Come closer, child, so that I might see you. 'Red Riding Hood said, 'Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!''You forget that I am optically challenged. ''And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have. ''Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn'tgive in to such societal pressures, my child. ''And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!'The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reactionappropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbedLittle Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could seeher poor Grandmother cowering in his belly. 'Aren't you forgetting something?' Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. 'Youmust request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!'The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax. 'Hands off!' cried the woodchopper. 'And what do you think you're doing?' cried Little Red Riding Hood. 'If I letyou help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on collegeentrance exams. ''Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! Thisis an FBI sting!' screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red RidingHood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head. 'Thank goodness you got here in time, ' said the Wolf. 'The brat and hergrandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner. ''No, I think I'm the real victim, here, ' said the woodchopper. 'I've beendealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowersearlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?''Sure, ' said the Wolf. 'Thanks. ''I feel your pain, ' said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on hisfirm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said 'Do you have any Maalox?' Thomas E. Maloney
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Bumper Stickers - 4
I don't drive fast I fly low.
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Simple Joke
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't grocer and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another. Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
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Religion Joke
Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. 'I'm sorry, sister, ' said the attendant, 'but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamberpot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car. As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, 'Oh sister, if only I had your faith. '
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Bar Joke - 2
Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives. Henry started by saying, 'I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a carpenter!'Tom answered, 'Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either. The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a plumber!'Otis then joins in and says, 'Well, if you think that's bad, I've got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed. I think my Lina is cheatin' on me with a horse!'
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Mouse Joke
Why did the mouse eat a candle ? For some light refreshment!
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Friendship Joke
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a doublescotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside hisshirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket andordered another double scotch. Finally, the bartender said, 'Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all nightlong. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another. 'The customer replied, 'I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she startsto look good, then I know it's time to go home. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
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