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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny answering messages and other funny jokes |
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Ethnic Humor
Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar. 'Bartender, ' he says, 'give that lady whatever she likes, and put it on my tab. 'When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. Amoment later he's at her side. 'That was very kind of you, ' she says. 'Won't you sit down?'After a few minutes of small talk, she says, 'Let me be honest with you. You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm aprofessional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundreddollars. If that's not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, andI'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings. ''I'm surprised, ' says Berkowitz. 'But you're a beautiful lady, and I like you, too. I've never done something like this before, but sure, let's go upstairs. 'When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says, 'I was wondering. There's something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish. ''Well, I am, ' she replies a little defensively. 'Why do you ask?''Well, I'm Jewish, too, ' says Berkowitz. 'And since we're both Jewish, I was hoping you would give me a discount. ''Dammit, ' she replies, 'I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twentypercent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not making anyprofit!'
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Dumb People Joke
Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people -- many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men and women -- ooops, 'women and men' -- we present the highest possible honor: entry into the 'Stupid-. ' Following are their accounts . . Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately. Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter. England: A German 'tourist, ' supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a 'handicap' was. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag. Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was 'Otto. ' Arizona: A company called 'Guns For Hire' stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail. Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years. (Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera. ) (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed '911' for help. . Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc. , they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc. , they put the refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the pickup truck only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it. (Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
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Elephant Joke
What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing ? An elephant's shadow !
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Yo Mama Joke
Yo mama is so fat that she needs a book mark to keep track of all her chin rolls!
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Dirty Joke
A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from I knee pains. 'Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?' asked the doctor. 'Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style. ' 'I see, ' said the doctor. 'You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?' 'Not if you want to watch TV there ain't!'
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Joke for Halloween
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, 'So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you good?''It's pretty nice, ' she replies. 'Except they won't let you fart!'
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Dumb Men Joke
Q:What did the man say when he walked into a bar?A:OUCH!Sent by Sarah
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Love and Marriage Joke
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench complaining about their husbands.
'My husband's losing his mind,' one lady said. 'Last week he went out and spent $400 for a waterbed. '
'That sounds exciting,' the other lady said.
'Exciting, hell,' the first old lady said. 'The way my husband's thing has been reacting the last few years, that waterbed might as well be the Dead Sea. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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