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Strange Humor
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, 'Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. ' The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. 'What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!' To which the guy responds, 'Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!'
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Satire Joke
A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret + blue carpet. The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out 'Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup. ' Snow White says 'Well at least Dopey's alive!' Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb? A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning. 'Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!' 'The cups man! Save the cups!' cries George. 'Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir. ' Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus. Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today. 'I'll do anything for 3 points', he said when questioned. The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said 'we don't just need points now, we need snookers!' British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.
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Ethnical Joke
WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALKBECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNERHow to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lessonAig - What a hen laysAints - He's got aints in his paintsPaints - What cha put on your laigs of a morninArn - Ma's tard of arninBag - He bagged her to marry himBobbed - A bobbed wire fenceBresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won. Bub - the light bub burned outCheer - What you set inCrick - A small streamClum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coonChiny - country over in AsiaChuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothesCore - He got hisself a new Ford coreCyow - Animal on FarmDeppity - He helps out the shurfDribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirtDainz - Satidy night socialEllum - A graceful treeFanger - What you put your rang onFaince - Whats round the hawg lotFar - What get the brandin arn hotFurred - He got furred from his jobFlar - A rose is a purdy flarFrash - Them aigs ain't frashFuriners - All non-'bamansFurther - Hits ten miles further to townGrain - She was grain with envyHail - Where bad folks goHep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Hern - It aint hern, it's his'nHilbilly - People in the next countyHollar - Whats between the hillsHard - Got a brend new hardhand Tar - His core blew a tarLaymun - A sour fruitLaig - Most folks have two of themLather - What you climb upLiberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin Mailk - what you get from cyowsMere - What you see your self inMinners - Live baitMisrus - Married WomanNar - Opposite of wideNayk - Your head sets on itNup - NoOrrel - Them hinges need orrelOrmy - What the sojers go inPank - A light red colorParch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass growPetition - What separate the roomsPoke - A paper bag or sackPokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in PokeSalit - A green vegetablePuppet - What the preacher is inPurdy - She is purdy as a pitcherPurt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pigRang - You wear it on your fangerRut - That there tree sure has long rutsRah cheer - I was born rah cheer in townRainch - A big cow farmRat - Do it rat now!Rench - Rench the soap yourselfRoont - She plum roont her shoesSalary - A stringy vegetableSoardeens - Small canned fishShar - A light rainGully Worsher - A medium heavy rainToad strangler - A heavy rain SodyPop - A soft drinkSprang - Water out'n the groundShurf - The Shurf put Clem in jailStorch - This here aprn has to much storch in itSkeered - that plumb skeered me to deathThanks - He shore thanks he's smartTho - Tho me the ballThoat - I shore got a sore thoatWar - A bobbed war fanceWorsh - Go worsh your faceWarter - What you worsh your face inYurp - A continent overseas
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Love and Marriage Joke
A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' And the father replied, 'I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it. '
A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive. '
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Bar Joke , beer, booze and fun!
A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here'.
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Worst Joke
My wife came home yesterday and said, 'Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is. 'I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor. I thought for a moment, then said, 'You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator. ''No, there's definitely water in the carburetor' she insisted. 'OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?''In the lake!'
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Fun Joke
Q: How do you break the nose on a blonde?A: You put a dildo under a glass table!
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Humor Joke
A man went in to the bank and asked to see the man who arranged the loans. 'I'm sorry, sir, ' said a cashier, 'the loan arranger is out to lunch. ' 'Can I speak to Tonto, then?' asked the man.
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