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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
them funny. |
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny 50th birthday presents and other funny jokes |
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Cannibal Joke
How can you help a starving cannibal? Give them a hand !
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Animal World
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up. ' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
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Old People Joke
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.
The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. 'So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?'
'It's pretty nice,' she replied. 'Except they won't let me fart. '
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Bumper Stickers - 6
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
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Animal World
How To Give Your Cat a Pill 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, 'That's a nice kitty. ' Drop pill into its mouth. 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa. 3. Follow same procedure as in '1
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Real Life Joke
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Bellevue, WAOn Saturday, police broke up a disturbance between a couple arguing over which one was drunker. Both were arrested and taken to Overlake Hospital for treatment of injuries to their heads. The police are charging them with disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace, but not assault. They each injured themselves and not the other. It seems, according to police and witnesses, that the couple were taking turns bashing their heads into the drywall walls and the wooden door of their apartment in order to prove they were so drunk that they couldn't feel the pain.
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Business Joke
Programmer at this retail chain gets an assignment to add some functionality to four reporting applications. One change request is to add passwords to one of the four applications -- but just one.
'Just doing one sounded suspicious to me,' says the programmer. 'So I decided to code the password logic in a separate module for easy reuse. I only had to add one line of code to the existing executable. '
Fast-forward six months: The new versions are installed in a handful of stores for beta testing before they'll roll out to 1,000 stores nationwide. Programmer's boss drops by his cubicle to tell him that the users like the password function, but they wanted it on all four applications. How long would it take to add it to the other three?
He calculates: add one line of code, compile, do some testing. That's maybe a few hours' work if everything goes as planned -- which it seldom does.
'Two days,' he tells his boss.
She's skeptical. 'Are you sure?' she says. 'Let's say one week. '
Programmer shrugs. Boss continues: 'Three applications, one week each, I'll tell them three weeks. '
He tries to explain that he estimated two days for all three applications. She's still skeptical, but after he assures her that with code reuse he really can finish in two days, boss compromises:
She'll tell them it'll be done in one week.
'I went to lunch, came back and updated all three in about an hour,'
says the programmer. 'The module worked great. I walked over to my boss's office to tell her the news. She asked if I was sure it worked. I assured her it did.
'She had already sent the estimate to her manager and, to be safe, she told him two weeks. She asked me not to send it to QA for another week. We didn't want to look too good.
'I had a chuckle and started working on something else. A couple of hours later, she forwarded me a note from her manager to the business client. He had padded it another week. I now had three weeks to finish my already completed changes.
'I worked on other things for a week, recompiled them so the date was recent, and got a big attaboy for finishing so promptly. '
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Bumper Stickers - 5
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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