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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun utilities and other funny jokes |
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Banana Joke
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
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Elderly People Joke
An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, 'I don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke. 'The wife says, 'No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town. 'Husband replies, 'Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me. ' So off they go into town. When they get there the wife points and says, 'See that office building? We own that. 'Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the richest part of town. Wife says again pointing, 'See those five houses? We own those. 'Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, 'What makes you think we own all this property?'Wife replies, 'Remember when we first got married and for jokes you would give me $5. 00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what has become of it all. Not bad, eh?'Husband says, 'Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with money I'd have probably given you all my business. '
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Naughty Joke
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all hisprofessionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she haddisrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doingso, he asked her, 'Do you know what I'm doing?' 'Yes, ' she replied, 'you're checking for any abrasionsor dermatological abnormalities. ' 'That is right, ' saidthe doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. 'Doyou know what I'm doing now?' he asked. 'Yes, ' the woman said, 'you're checking for any lumps orbreast cancer. ' 'Correct, ' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexualintercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I'm doingnow?''Yes, ' she said. 'You're getting herpes; which is why I camehere in the first place. '
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Pig Joke
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I want the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later, the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a root beer float,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy, 'but why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
The third piggy says -
'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'
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Law Enforcement Joke
Now as I understand it, Sir, said the police officer to the motorist, 'you were driving this vehicle when the accident occurred. Can you tell me what happened?' 'I'm afraid not, officer, ' replied the motorist. 'I had my eyes shut!'
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Situation Joke
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into theliving room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to fix somedrinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on themantel. He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, 'What's this?'She says, 'Oh, my father's ashes are in there. 'He turns beat red in horror and goes, 'Oh, well, er. . . I. . . 'She says, 'Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray. '
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Humor Joke
While the U. S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried. He replied that he slept like a baby. He was amazed and asked, 'Really? Even with all the fluctuations?'He said 'Yes, that's right. Just like a baby. . . I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours!'
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Romance Joke
Two men are having an awfully slow round ofgolf because the two ladies in front of themmanaged to get into every sand trap, lake, andrough on the course, and they didn't bother towave the men on through, which is proper golfetiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one mansaid, 'I think I'll walk up there and ask thosegals to let us play through. ' He walked out tothe fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, 'I can'tdo it. One of those women is my wife and the otheris my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them. 'The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfwaythere and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, 'Small World!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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