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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
them funny. |
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun toilet seats and other funny jokes |
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Baby Joke
How did the witch almost lose her baby? She didn't take it far enough into the woods.
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Joke for Kids
A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road. On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road. Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was. The Polak replies, 'Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket. '
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Spiked Humor
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. On a New York convalescent home: 'For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church. ' On a Maine shop: 'Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship. ' At a number of military bases: 'Restricted to unauthorized personnel. ' On a display of 'I love you only' Valentine cards: 'Now available in multi-packs. ' In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: 'Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work. ' In a funeral parlor: 'Ask about our layaway plan. ' In a clothing store: 'Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks. ' In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: '15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!' On a shopping mall marquee: 'Archery Tournament-Ears pierced'
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Doctor Joke
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. 'Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this. ''What's the problem?' the docotor inquired. 'Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away. ''My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you. 'The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. 'Did my advice not work?' asked the doctor. 'It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women. ''So, what's your problem?' 'I don't have a problem, ' the man replied. 'My wife does. '
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Math Joke
'That math prof's marriage is falling apart!'
'No wonder! He's into scientific computing - and she's incalculable!'
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Kids Puns
On her way home a blonde drove past a sign that said 'CLEANRESTROOMS 8 MILES'. By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
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Father Joke
TEACHER: why are you late for school again?
PUPIL: I stopped two boys fighting, sir.
TEACHER: Well done. How did you manage that?
PUPIL: I kicked both of them, sir.
TEACHER: Sadie, why are you crawling into school ten minutes late?
PUPIL: Because you to
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Worlds Best Joke
(Age 22)1. Handsome2. Charming3. Financially successful4. A caring listener5. Witty6. In good shape7. Dresses with style8. Appreciates the finer things9. Full of thoughtful surprises10. An imaginative, romantic lover(Age 32)1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head2. Opens car doors, holds chairs3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant4. Listens more then he talks5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times6. Can carry all the groceries wit hease7. Owns at least one tie8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal9. Remembers anniversaries10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week(Age 42)1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down10. Shaves on most weekends(Age 52)1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public3. Doesn't borrow money too often4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear8. Appreciates a good TV dinner9. Remembers your name on occasion10. Shaves on some weekends(Age 62)1. Doesn't scare small children2. Remembers where the bathroom is3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)5. Forgets why he's laughing6. Is in good enough shape to stand up alone7. Usually wears some clothes8. Likes soft foods9. Remembers where he left his teeth10. Remembers when. . . (Age 72)1. Breathing. . . . .
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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