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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun to learn potty and other funny jokes |
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Humorous Joke
What do you call an Igloo without a toilet ? An Ig !
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Snake Joke
What's a snakes favourite dance ? The mamba !
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Old Age Joke
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, 'Because of the Seniors Discount. '
I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, 'For you, Seniors, the coffee is free. '
Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer---can't hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit. . . not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old. . . I'm only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray. . . saying 'blond' is just right.
My car is all paid for. . . not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, 'Old duffer. . . get off of the road!'
My car has no scratches. . . not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who's 'Hell bent. '
My friends all get older. . . much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got 'character lines,' not wrinkles. . . for sure,
But don't call me old. . . just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take. . . your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.
But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running. . . in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old . . . I'm only mature.
Anon (Tell us if you know the name of the author)
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Doctor and nurse Joke
Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off. Oh dear, That's a lot of calories!
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Food and Drink Joke
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. 'Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area. ' 'Heck, Gloria, ' the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, 'we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!'
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Funny Kids Joke
An archeologist is someone whose career is in ruins.
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Joke for Halloween
Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue. 2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor. 3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants. 4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like. 5. After everything he says, say, 'And how does that make you feel?'6. Point at random things and say, 'Where did you get that?'7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable. 8. Repeat over and over, 'I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!'9. Sit underneath your chair. 10. Stand on your head. 11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it. 12. Never stop smiling. 13. Scream every word. 14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc. . . 15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet. 16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts. 17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor. 18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems. 19. Eat his books. 20. Talk to his leg. 21. Don't face him when he talks to you. 22. Talk really slowly. 23. Try to eat your hand. 24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap. 25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch. 26. Pretend you hear music. 27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man. 28. Pretend to drink. 29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.
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Humor Joke
My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting. She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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