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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun things to do in birmingham and other funny jokes |
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Animal Joke
This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc. , and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, 'My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam. 'She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. 'Did you say that?' she asks. 'Why, yes, I did!' he replies. 'And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you. 'The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, 'You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?'The parrot says, 'Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street. 'So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once. Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold. She says, 'Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!'The parrot says, 'Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry. 'Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger. The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes. When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. 'I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!' As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, 'I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?'
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Joke Online
More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to. I'D LOVE TO BUT. . . . . . I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it. . . . I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. . . . I have to floss my pets. . . . . . I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted. . . . I want to spend more time with my blender. . . . I'm attending the opening of my garage door. . . . I'm building a pig from a kit. . . . I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. . . . I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy. . . . I'm getting my overalls overhauled. . . . I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl. . . . I'm staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures. . . . I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. . . . I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. . . . I've got plans to go downtown to try on gloves. . . . It's my parakeet's bowling night. . . . My patent is pending. . . . The nice man on television told me to say tuned. . .
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Joke for Halloween
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 'Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness. ' Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that. . . uh. . . that uh. . . that thingy there. Oh no! Where's my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before? There go the lights again? 'Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em. ' Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing off my concentration. What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?! Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right? OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. What do you mean 'You want a divorce?!?' FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
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Bumper Stickers - 5
Life's way too short to stay on topic
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Blonde Joke - 2
One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time. ''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''
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Knock Knock Joke - 2
Knock Knock Who's there ! Amin ! Amin who ? Amin man!
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Cannibal Joke
Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle's wife? He was an aunteater.
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Mixed Joke
WOMEN S LANGUAGE TRANSLATEDYes = NoNo = YesMaybe = NoI m sorry. = You ll be sorry. We need. . . = I wantIt s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want. . . = You ll pay for this later. We need to talk. . . = I need to complain Sure. . . go ahead = I don t want you to. I m not upset = Of course I m upset, you moron! You re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = . . . and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper. . . . . Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you re really not going to like. I ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. Am I fat? = Tell me I m beautiful. You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you re dead. Was that the baby? = Why don t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep. I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. In response to What s wrong?:The same old thing = NothingNothing = EverythingNothing, really = It s just that you re such an idiot!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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