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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun slippers and other funny jokes |
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Ghost Joke
A butler came running into his important master's office. 'Sir, sir, there's a ghost in the corridor. What shall I do with him?' Without looking up from his work the master said, 'Tell him I can't see him. '
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Christmas Joke - 1
Father Christmas lost his umbrella but he didn't get wet! Why not? Because it wasn't raining!
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Joke for Holidays
New Miracle Diet!Flabby people are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Or is there a slim hope?Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught parents, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor . . . otherwise you might have to see him afterward. Good luck!DAY ONE Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer. Bedtime Snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. DAY TWO Breakfast - Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch - Half a tube of 'Pulsating Pink' lipstick and a cigarette (to be eaten, not smoked). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack - Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Dinner - A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon. DAY THREE Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch - Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee. FINAL DAY Breakfast - A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
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School Joke for Kids
Jack goes to the doctor and says 'Doc I'm having trouble getting mypenis erect, can you help me?'After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, 'Well theproblem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penisare damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except ifyou're willing to try an experimental treatment. 'Jack asks sadly, 'What is this treatment?' 'Well, ' the doctorexplains, 'what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of ababy elephant and implant them in your penis. 'Jack thinks about it silently then says, 'Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go forit. 'A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light touse his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for hisgirl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in thecity. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legsthat continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediatelysprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed adinner roll and then returned to his pants. His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'Jack replied, 'Well, I guess so, but I'm not sure I can fit anotherdinner roll up my ass!'
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Funny Famous Joke
Did you hear about that guy who was tap dancing?He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
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Pensioner Joke
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they 'oohed and aahed' the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'It's free, ' Peter replied, 'this is Heaven. ' Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, 'what are the green fees?'. Peter's reply, 'This is heaven, you play for free. ' Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. 'How much to eat?' asked the old man. 'Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!' Peter replied with some exasperation. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?' the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, 'That's the best part. . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven. ' With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, 'This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!'
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Joke for Dummies
How to identify where a driver is from. . . One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New YorkOne hand on wheel, one finger out window: ChicagoOne hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BostonOne hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:California *with gun in lap: L. A. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ItalyOne hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: SeattleOne hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city maleOne hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country maleOne hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome . 38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas femaleBoth hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: ColoradoOne hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate. Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male. Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las VegasTwo hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida 'seasoned citizen' driver, also known as 'no-see-um' . . . . also seen a lot in Parksville!!!
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Cannibal Joke
What happens if you upset a cannibal? You get into hot water.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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