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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun run london and other funny jokes |
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Law Enforcement Joke
John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, 'Is there a problem, Officer?''No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $'5
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Joke for Speeches
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted. . . 'Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife. '
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Assorted Joke
Q: What did the blonde say when the docter told her one leg was bigger than the other?A: Like, Not even!
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Irish Joke
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. 'Did she say anything before she died?' asked the sergeant. 'She spoke without interruption for about forty years, ' said the Irishman.
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Worst Joke
***Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant***17. 'I finished the Oreos. ' 16. 'Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds. ' 15. 'Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby. . !!' 14. 'I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!' 13. 'Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!' 12. 'Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella. ' 11. 'Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt. ' 10. 'Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!' 9. 'I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?' 8. 'Are your ankles supposed to look like that?' 7. 'Get your *own* ice cream. ' 6. 'Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today. ' 5. 'Got milk ?' 4. 'Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney. ' 3. 'Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!' 2. 'Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water. . . ' And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant: 1. 'You don't have the guts to pull that trigger. . . '
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Animal World
This was originally posted in rec. sport. pro-wrestlingDate: 1999/03/04Author: briang68g@gearthlink. netI like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. Ithought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided notto look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their newenvironment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at highspeeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectaclelost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive, theyall died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then Ihad one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had toextinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use thebathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was notallowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. Myfriends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in thegenitals. I like monkeys.
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Bird Joke
What is a parrot? A wordy birdy!
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Funny Joke - 50 best Joke
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says ' We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive' The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers 'God Save The Queen' and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers 'Viva La France' and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers 'Remember the Alamo' and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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