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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun party barnet and other funny jokes |
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Ouch Joke
This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romanticwalk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll hislustful desires rise to a fever pitch. He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, 'I hope you don'tmind but I'm busting to have a piss'. Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, 'OK whydon't you go behind these bushes'. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rollingdown her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches througha gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings hishand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror 'My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!'. 'No' she replies', 'I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead. '
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Yo momma Joke
UR MOMA IS SO HAIRY THAT HARRY POTTER GOT JEALOUS.
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Animal World
This is what should happen to ALL CATS. . !HOW TO WASH THE CAT1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up. 3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape. ) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. CAUTION:Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for anything they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power 'Wash' and 'Rinse', which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, THE DOG
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Love and Marriage Joke
Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other.
Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said 'Wake me at six. '
An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table.
'It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!'
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Village Idiot Joke
Welcome to EBONICS 101Herein follow a few terms to help you get started on your merry way towards the ve-nak-u-lar. . . 'Damn- that shit is DOPE!'That is a wonderful concept/object/action. 'Can't FADE that. 'I am unable to comprehend or assimilate that concept at this time. 'Shante ain't havin' it. 'This is not something that Shante will allow to occur. 'Homey- Boo was dropping PHAT beats. 'Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music. 'YO!- Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!'Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette?'JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN' it!'I had in my possession a condom, which was used in my engagement of sexual activity. 'What's up? Why you ALL UP in my shit!?!'Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs. 'She is HELLA' CLOWIN' you HOMEY!'The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in dating you is non-existent at this time. 'Woooooo- Renaldo was PITCHIN' STRAIGHT GAME to baby-doll, and it was SMOOOOVE!'Renaldo was creatively inquiring as to the marital status of the female, with the intention of asking her on a date. 'STEP OFF Cool- before I bust PHAT CAPS in your A** with my NEINER. . . ' It would be beneficial to your physical state to leave this area, as I will soon be encouraged by your disrespect towards me to shoot bullets into your buttocks with my 9mm pistol. 'Why is 5-OH always BUGGIN'!?!'~~~~Why are the police officers always worried?'Friday night- COLD CHILLIN' with a 40 and a BLUNT. '~~~~It is Friday eve, and I am leisurely enjoying a forty ounce bottle of malt liquor and a marijuana cigarette.
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Silliest Joke
It seems God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said, 'Adam, come over here and sit down!'. And Adam did so. 'Adam, ' spoke the Creator, 'I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely. ' Adam said nothing in response. 'So, ' continued the Lord, 'I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you!' Adam just looked puzzled but interested. 'This person, ' said the Lord, 'will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes. ' Adam looked grateful. 'This person, 'said the Lord, 'will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks. ' Adam looked thoughtful. 'This person, 'emphasized the Lord, 'will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having!' Adam really looked relieved. 'And, lastly, ' said the Lord, 'She will obey your every whim and desire and order with cheerfulness. ' Adam was really impressed and finally spoke. 'O. K. , Lord, but what is this going to cost me?' 'An arm and a leg, ' said the Almighty. 'Well, ' Adam then said, 'What can I get for a rib?'
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Spoof Joke
MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 2. Nothing improves with age. 3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. 4. Sex has no calories. 5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 8. No sex with anyone in the same office. 9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. 10. A man in the house is worth two in the street. 11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 12. Virginity can be cured. 13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. 16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. 17. It is always the wrong time of month. 18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. 19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. 20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. 21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. 22. The younger the better. 23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. 24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. 25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. 27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. 28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. 29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. 30. Love is a hole in the heart. 31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. 32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. 33. Do it only with the best. 34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. 35. One good turn gets most of the blankets. 36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. 37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 39. Thou shalt not commit adultery. . . . . unless in the mood. 40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. 41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. 42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested. 43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. 44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. 45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. 46. Never say no. 47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. 48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. 49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. 50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. 51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. 52. Love comes in spurts. 53. The world does not revolve on an axis. 54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. 55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. 56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. 57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. 58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. 59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 60. 'This won't hurt, I promise, '
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Funniest Joke
It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world. . . In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, 'Man doth not live by sweat alone. ' It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance. The people who followed the Lord were called the 13 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession, a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony. This one happened on an exam: One of the students identified the rainbow as the arc of the covenant. Also a true story: The teacher asked her class to draw a picture of the Holy Family and one child drew a rather large figure as part of his threesome, explaining that they were Round John Virgin, mother and child. The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt. 'My mother looked back while she was driving, ' contributed little Johnny, 'and she turned into a telephone pole. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
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