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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun memory sticks and other funny jokes |
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Travel and tourist Joke
During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach. I called room service and ordered some soda crackers. When I looked at the charge slip, I was furious. I called room service and raged, 'I know I'm in a luxury hotel, but $11. 50 for six crackers is ridiculous!' 'The crackers are complimentary, ' the voice to the other end cooly explained. 'I believe you are complaining about your room number. '
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Silliest Joke
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: 'Shut up, all of you just shut UP!' Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly. Sell Girl Scout cookies. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. Shave. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?' Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: 'Noogie patrol coming!' Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. One word: Flatulence! On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go 'plink' at the bottom. Do Tai Chi exercises. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!' When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: 'Oh, not now, motion sickness!' Give religious tracts to each passenger. Meow occassionally. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. Sing 'Mary had a little lamb' while continually pushing buttons. Holler 'Chutes away!' whenever the elevator descends. Walk on with a cooler that says 'human head' on the side. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce 'You're one of THEM!' and move to the far corner of the elevator. Burp, and then say 'mmmm. . . tasty!' Leave a box between the doors. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers 'through' it. Start a sing-along. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?' Play the harmonica. Shadow box. Say 'Ding!' at each floor. Lean against the button panel. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space. ' Bring a chair along. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: 'Wanna see wha in muh mouf?' Blow spit bubbles. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. Announce in a demonic voice: 'I must find a more suitable host body. ' Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. Wear 'X-Ray Specs' and leer suggestively at other passengers. Stare at your thumb and say 'I think it's getting larger. ' If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler 'Bad touch!'
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Clinton Joke
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin? A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.
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Animal World
What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other? Gee, we really do taste like chicken.
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Bar Joke - 2
Did you hear about the two blood corpuscles named Romeo and Juliet?They loved in vein!
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Witch Joke
How does a witch doctor ask a girl to dance ? 'Voodoo like to dance with me ?'
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Science Joke
If Scientists Wrote Nursery Rhymes How many can you solve? (Answers below)1. A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologicprotuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement ofa sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact sizeof which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitantly descended, sustaining severe fractural damage to the upper cranial portion of hisanatomical structure. Subsequently, the second member of the teamperformed a self-rotational translation oriented in the direction takenby the first member. 2. Complications arose during an investigation of dietary influence: oneresearcher was unable to assimilate adipose tissue and another was unableto consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber. By reciprocalarrangement between the two researchers, total consumption of the viandsunder consideration was achieved, this leaving the original container ofthe viands devoid of contents. 3. A young male human was situated near the intersection of two supportingstructural elements at right angles to each other: said subject was involvedin ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritualobservance of an annual fixed-day religious festival. Insertion into thesaccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followedby removal of a drupe of genus prune. Subsequently the subject made adeclarative statement regarding the high quality of his character as ayoung male human. 4. A triumvirate of murine rodents totally deviod of ophthalmic acuitywere observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of anagriculturalist's marital adjunct. Said adjunct then performed triplecaudectomy utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument generally usedfor the subdivision of edible tissue. 5. A female of the species homo sapiens was the possesor of a smallimmature ruminant of the genus ovis, the outer most covering of whichreflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal tothat mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water. Regardless of the translational pathway chosen by the homo sapien, theprobability was 1 that the forementioned ruminent would select the samepathway. 6. A human female, extremely captious and given to opposed behavior, wasquestioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land usedfor production of various types of flora. The tract components wereenumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceanincgrowth and pulchritudinous young females situated in a linear orientation. 1. Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, And Jill came tumbling after. 2. Jack Sprat could eat no fat. His wife could eat no lean. And so. . . . . . . (I don't remember the words) They ate the platter clean. 3. Little Jack Horner Sat in the corner Eating his Christmas pie He stuck in his thumb And pulled out a plum And said 'What a good boy am I!'4. Three blind mice, three blind mice See how they run, see how they run. They all ran after the farmer's wife Who cut off their tails with a carving knife Did you ever see such a sight in your life As three blind mice. 5. Mary had a Little Lamb Whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go. 6. Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow. With silver bells, and cockle shells And pretty maidens, all in a row.
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Monster Joke
Why did the monster take his nose apart? To see what made it run.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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