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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun factory teddington and other funny jokes |
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Practical Joke
Dear:Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:( ) the tooth could not be found( ) it was not a human tooth( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy forappropriate action( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received( ) the tooth is still in your mouth( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:[ ] string[ ] pliers[ ] gunpowder[ ] hammer marks[ ] chisel[ ] part of skull attached to tooth[ ] no dental care( ) other:Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the followingcertificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future. Sincerely, The Tooth Fairy
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Salesmen Joke
A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands. He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions. The reply came back shortly: 'Begin vacation as of yesterday. '
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Cowboy Joke
A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, 'Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go. ' 'Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that, ' says the warden. He turns to the biker, 'And you, biker, what's your last request?' 'That you kill me first. '
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Fun Joke
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?' 'My darling, ' he replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek. '
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Simple Joke
1. 'The cucumber has left the salad. ' 2. 'Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. ' 3. 'Your soldier ain't so unknown now. ' 4. 'Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. ' 5. 'Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!' 6. 'Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. 7. 'You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary. ' 8. 'You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons. ' 9. 'I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?' 10. 'Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis. '
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Humor Joke
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELERDecember 8:6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!December 9:We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!December 12:The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14:Snow, lovely snow! 8' last night. The temperature dropped to *20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15:20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16:Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17:Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20:Electricity's back on, but had another 14' of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. freakin' snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22:Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying. December 23:Only 2' of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she. . . nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying. December 24:6'. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin' snowplow. December 25:Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch 'It's a Wonderful Life' one more time, I'm going to kill her. December 26:Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27:Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. December 28:Warmed up to above-50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!December 29:10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?December 30:Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9' predicted. December 31:Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling!January 8:I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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Kids Joke
There is a child molester and a young boy walking through a deep remote forest. After a while the boy gets very cold and frightened so he says, 'Mister i'm scared and cold, please let me go', the child molester cries out, 'You think your scared I have to walk home alone!'
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Knock Knock Joke - 2
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bernadette ! Bernadette who ? Bernadette ate all my dinner and now I'm starving !
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
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