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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun emoticons and other funny jokes |
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Spiked Humor
American Express calls and says: 'Leave home without it!' Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe. Long distance companies no longer call you to switch. Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6. 9% to 24. 9%. You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes. You receive care packages from Europe. Your bologna has no first name. You rob Peter. . . and then rob Paul. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. You give blood everyday - for the orange juice. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments. Consumer Credit Counseling services said 'No. ' The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets
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School Joke for Kids
An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little. 'Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but. . . How's your health?''It's OK', he answers. 'I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life'. 'Well, then', she replies 'I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?''So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself'. The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain - 'And how's your sex life. . . . ''Infrequently', he declares. The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking. . . 'And is that one word or two?
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Top 100 Joke
You might be a redneck if. . . You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
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Aviation Joke
Tower: Shamu two-two, please state estimated time of arrival. Pilot: Ok, let's see. . . , I think Tuesday would be nice. . .
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School Joke for Kids
The man walked past the armored car and hears people talking inside. He stepped closer to hear what they were saying: 'I see you, and I'll raise you another sixty thousand. '
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Bible Joke
A Nun and her friend, Sarah were playing golf. Sarah misses a 3 foot putt and yells, 'Goddamn it, missed the bugger!' and the nun says, 'If you keep saying that then God will punish you. ' Next hole Sarah misses a 2 foot putt and says 'Goddamn it, missed the bugger!' and the nun says, 'ONE more time Sarah, and God will punish you!' Then Sarah misses a neoot putt and says 'GOD DAMN IT!!!MISSED THE BUGGER!' Suddenly clouds form overhead. God comes down from Heaven and strikes the nun dead with a bolt of thunder. God says, 'Goddamn it! Missed the bugger!'
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Relationships Joke
A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on thedelivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the topof a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and saysto the doctor, 'Are you my dad?'. The doctor says, 'No, I am your doctor!'. With that, the baby popsright back inside. 'Damn!', says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head pushthrough again. 'Are you my dad?', asks the baby. 'No, I am your doctor. ', he replies. Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother's womb. The doctor turns to a nurse and says, 'Nurse, get that baby's fatherin here right away--we may have a situation on our hands!'. Momentslater the baby's father is in the delivery room, and the baby's headonce again pops out. 'Are you my dad?', the baby asks of the father. The father replies, 'Yes, little baby, I am your father!' The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the foreheadwith his index finger--'How do you like that?'
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Business Joke
The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, 'Only a little while. '
The American then asked, 'Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?'
The Mexican said, 'With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs. '
The American then asked, 'But what do you do with the rest of your time?'
The Mexican fisherman said, 'I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life. '
The American scoffed, 'I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise. '
The Mexican fisherman asked, 'But, how long will this all take?'
To which the American replied, '15 to 20 years. '
'But what then?' asked the Mexican.
The American laughed and said that's the best part. 'When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions. '
'Millions?. . . Then what?'
The American said, 'Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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