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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun days out uk and other funny jokes |
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Spoof Joke
Murphy's Laws Of Parenting. . . A child will not spill on a dirty floor. A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster. A young child is a noise with dirt on it. A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Celibacy is not hereditary. Familiarity breeds children. For adult education, nothing beats children. God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once. Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. Having children will turn you into your parents. If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment. If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable. Ill-bred children always display their pest manners. Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids. It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - actually from Erma BombeckOne child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many. Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid. The best thing to spend on your children is time. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it. You can learn many things from children. . . like how much patience you have.
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Halloween Joke
How do zombies celebrate Halloween? They paint the town dead!
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Joke of the Day
Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125? A: A foursome. Q: What do you call a blonde in a black leather jacket? A. A rebel without a clue!Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? A: Last year's hide and seek champ. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant. Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? A: Divorced. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A: A space invader. Q: What do you call a really smart blonde?A: A golden retriever. Q: What does a blonde say during a porno? A: There I am!! Q: What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say? A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I? Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease? A: Her IQ goes up.
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Clinton Joke
Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth? A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!
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Computer Joke
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586? A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585. 999983605.
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Fishing Joke
What do you call a man with a large flatfish on his head? Ray!
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Doctor Joke
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young blonde in a tight-fitting bikini strolled past. The blonde looked a the doctor, smiled seductively, and murmured in a very sexy voice, 'Hi there handsome. How ya doing?'She then wiggled her backside and walked off. 'Who was that?' demanded the doctor's wife. 'Er- just a woman I met professionally. ' stammered the doctor. 'Oh yeah?' his wife snarled. 'In whose profession? Yours or hers?'
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Totally Weird Joke
December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows '98December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade 'holiday scents' in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 28 Say it is good. Rest for five minutes. December 29 Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers. December 30 Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station. December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes. January 1 Stay out of jail.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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