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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun days out in yorkshire and other funny jokes |
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At Work Joke
Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation? From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here?s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%And, B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:A-S-S??K-I-S-S-I-N-G1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = a whopping 118%!!!!So one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude willget you there, Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!
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Yo momma Joke
Yo mama middle name is Rambo.
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Baby Joke
How do you get a paper baby? Marry an old bag.
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Law Joke
Lawyer: Now that your case is settled, I'd like to explain my fees to you. You owe me $500 now and $347. 26 a month for the next 36 months.
Client: 'I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why, it sounds like car payments!'
Lawyer: 'You're right -- mine. '
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Fun Funny Joke
One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain. Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled, 'father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me . . . and he took a step forward'!The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. 'My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?'The Choirboy replies. . . 'flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain'!
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Religion Joke
One day God called the Pope, and he said 'John Paul I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions. I have decided there will be only the one true religion'. The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, then asked 'What's the bad news?'. God said the bad news is that I am calling from Salt Lake City.
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Dumb Joke
1. Compaq is considering changing the command 'Press Any Key' to 'Press Return Key' because of the flood of calls asking where the 'Any' key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels. 4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes. 5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room. 6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and pressing the 'send' key. 7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so the Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. 'Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, ' the man said. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, 'Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks. '8. Another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually. 9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was 'bad and invalid'. The tech explained that the computer's 'bad' and 'invalid' responses shouldn't be taken personally. 10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response 'I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. 'The 'foot pedal' turned out to be the computer's mouse. 11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, 'What power switch?'12. A customer called Compaq to inquire about her disks. The customer had recently bought a new computer to replace her old one. The only problem was her old computer had used 5 1/4's and her new one only had a 3 1/2 drive. The tech explained that she would have to copy the information from her 5 1/4's to her 3 1/2's. The customer thanked the tech and hung up. About an hour later the same customer called and stated that her disk-drive was making funny noises. After a few questions, the customer told the tech that she didn't know how to copy and had cut the 5 1/4's to the same size as the 3 1/2's and put them in the drive!13. True story from a Novell Netwire Sys Op:Caller: 'Hello, is this tech support?'Tech Rep: 'Yes, how may I help you?'Caller: 'The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting it fixed?'Tech Rep: 'I'm sorry, but did you say cup holder?'Caller: 'Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer. 'Tech Rep: 'Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as a part of a promotional, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have a trademark on it?'Caller: 'No I didn't get it from a trade show, but it does have a trademark on it, '4X''At this point the tech rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't keep from laughing. The caller had been using the load drawer of his CD-ROM as a cup holder, and snapped it off!
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Dumb People Joke
Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN 'I'm inconsolable at the present time, I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his like again'. When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a state of 'confusion'.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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