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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of fun days out in the midlands and other funny jokes |
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Religion Joke
There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane wasbeing rocked by some severe turbulence. So this kindly old lady looked upon Death's door, and said to her papal neighbour. 'Father, surely you can do something about this. . . 'To which the Pope replied, 'Sorry lady, I'm in sales, not management. '
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Marriage Joke
What Exactly Is Marriage?'Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents' -Eric, six years old'When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me. ' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out. ' -Anita, nine years oldHow Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?'You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one. ' -Kelly, nine years old'My mother says to look for a man who is kind. . . . That's what I'll do. . . . I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome. ' -Carolyn, eight years oldConcerning the Proper Age to Get Married'Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife' -Bert, five years oldHow Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?'They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down. . . It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values. ' -Lottie, nine years old'My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind. ' -Jeremy, eight years oldWhat Do Most People Do on a Date?'On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. ' -Martin, ten years old'Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love. ' -Craig, nine years oldWhen Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?'You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. ' -Allan, ten years old'Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. . . . If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. ' -Kally, nine years oldThe Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?'You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan' -Kirsten, ten years old'It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them' -Anita, nine years old'It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. ' -Will, seven years old
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School Joke
If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have? One dollar. You don't know your arithmetic. You don't know my father !
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Warped Humor Joke
Why did the janitor take early retirement? Because he realized that grime doesn't pay.
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Romance Joke
Q: What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?A: Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.
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Election Joke
'Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes
decide everything. ' -Joseph Stalin (Bush campaign advisor)
My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President
Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo
Don't throw away your vote. . . . . . . . let Katherine Harris do it for you.
One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states)
Who is this Chad guy and why is he pregnant.
Bush trusts the people, but not if it involves counting.
To you I'm a drunk driver; to my friends, I'm presidential material!
I didn't vote for his daddy either.
It ain't over till your brother counts the votes.
The election can't be broken. We just fixed it.
Banana Republicans
The Bush Administration - Taxpayer Supported Organized Crime
(LV)
George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had
Campaign spending: $184,000,000.
Having your little brother rig the election for you: Priceless.
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Blonde Joke - 1
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200. 00. Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it. Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer. The farmer says, 'Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199. 00?'The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1. 00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, 'It's $1. 00 per word. ' The brunette thinks about this and says, 'Comfortable, write that. ''Comfortable?' the guy questions. 'Yes, you see she reads slow. '
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Funny College Joke
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following 'history' of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked 'Am I my brother's son?' God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in 'The Illiad', by Homer. Homer also wrote the 'Oddity', in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen. ' As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted 'hurrah. ' Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote 'Donkey Hote'. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote 'Paradise Lost. ' Then his wife dies and he wrote 'Paradise Regained. 'During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared 'a horse divided against itself cannot stand. ' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, 'In onion there is strength. ' Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April '14
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